Things My Kids Don't Get

I swear there are a few things my kids just don't get and I fear that when they are grown up and married I will have to call them to yell these things at them.

Close the door. I say this easily 900 times a day, they are simply incapable of closing a fucking door behind them. Even when Drew does decide to close a door its only the screen door. Sure at least 400 more flies don't come in but it also lets out precious air conditioning.

Stop playing with your penis. Drew tugs that thing like nobody's business. All day long he is pulling on it and pushing it back inside his body. Today I even caught him hitting it with a fly swatter. That leads us to.

Go potty. Don't just stand there playing with your wiener hoping the potty will dry up GO PEE. Which leads to.

FLUSH THE TOILET. I swear you think either of these kids can flush a toilet? How do you think I know how large Hannah's poops are, because she has NEVER flushed a toilet in her life. The only time Drew flushes is when he is flushing a toy down it. This leads us to.

Put your underwear on. From the time Drew wake up until he goes to sleep there is one thing that is certain he will not willingly put underpants on. Honestly no one wants to see that.

Put some clothes on. Hannah has reached an age where its no longer acceptable to be naked all the time. Honestly I think this age was hit about 4 years ago but since I had to be the one to dress her then I was a little more lenient on it. Now however I have to be on her like white on rice. She will even sneak off to her bedroom to strip down to just her panties and hang in the buff.

Pick that up. It doesn't matter what it is, food, toys, a DS if it is in the kids hands they will just drop it where they stand and walk off. So inevitably it falls on me to tell them to pick it up. UGH.

Leaving the house doesn't make this any easier. It starts when we are getting ready.

Get your shoes on.

If you want to take something with you go get it.

Go Pee

Lets go

WHAT!?!? WHY AREN'T YOUR SHOES ON?!?!?! GET YOUR GOD DAMN SHOES ON.

I open the door and hear WAIIIIITTT I WANT A TOY. WHAT?!?!?! GET THE FREAKING THING AND LETS GO.

I open the car and turn to lock the house while the kids run to the car. Get in your seats and buckle up, I tell them. Then I get Livie and head to the car. As I get to her side I notice that the kids aren't in their seats or buckled. GAH GET IN YOUR SEATS NOOOWWW. At this point they both get crammed between the middle seats and get into a fight. ENOUGH I tend to scream and then tell them again in your seats. I get Livie in, get her binkie in re-adjust her mirror that the kids bumped and moved.

I close her door and walk around to Drew's side to ensure he buckled right only to find that he isn't even sitting. Then I grab him, stuff him in his seat while he screams that he wants to do it and my head explodes. Then I get in turn the car on and start to back up, I look in the mirror to find Hannah standing up not in her seat any longer and trying to get herself killed. I stop tell her to sit down and buckle up. She does finally or tries rather then says she can't so I have to get out and buckle her up too.

Off and on our way they are just sitting there and I think that there is nothing they can do now to annoy me when I hear....Mommy I have to potty. Then my head explodes again.


Other random things I say repeatedly and they never remember.

Stop jumping on the couch
stop eating your boogers
don't run into traffic
hold my hand
hold on to the cart
don't put your hand in your butt
wipe your nose
stop screaming


I am slowly losing my mind.