The Tale of The Shrinking Boobies

I'm Still Alive

2010-03-18T15:23:00.000-07:00

Barely. Oh peoples of the internet let me tell you, its been a long year. The baby is so big. She will be a year next month and acts as such. She is clearly the star of this house and knows it.

Hannah is still Hannah. Insane...moody....funny.....drawing ridiculous pictures. She is doing great in school despite her ADHD and is doing ok in Karate and Girl Scouts.

Drew, oh what a demon my once perfect little man has become. God willing he will grow out of it soon.

Thanks about all I have for now. I miss blogging so much, I just still lack the brain power for it.

So Busy

2009-11-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

I have always hated when people say they are too busy to blog or really when that is an excuse at all. I take it back. I take it all back. I am there. It isn't even like I don't have hours of free time when I could do it, cause I totally do. I am just exhausted. Mentally and physically and emotionally and any other ally you can think of.

Here is what is going down, in a briefish recap:

1. Olivia is six months old now. Not yet crawling but rolling like a tumble weed. She is teething, not sleeping much and generally a big ball of 6 month old fun. See picture for proof.

2. I just spent a month with my in laws here. I didn't kill anyone but it totally fucked me up and I am having to fiddle with my meds again. The bright side, I have a killer anti-anxiety med added. The dark side it knocks me for a loop and makes me a smidgey goofey, this is when I should be blogging. Having them here for a month put a tremendous strain on my cleaning and laundering schedule, my house looks like shit and no matter how much I clean it still looks like shit.

3. Hannah is in karate and that mean I have to take her to Karate twice a week. Which means I have to have a sitter for Drew twice a week. Which means that I am very glad my brother lives down the road from me.

4. The biggest time consumer is that I volunteered to be a Daisy Scout leader not knowing that it meant me and my co-leader would essentially be starting a brand new troop as this Girl Scout troop never did the Daisy level before. Then because I don't hate myself enough and neither does said co-leader we took on two HUGE fundraising projects. Which reminds me....anyone want to donate to me?

That is in a nut shell where I have been. I am trying to be better but I am so worn out that I usually sit here staring at the blank page not knowing what to say. That sucks.

Hannah got her first belt

2009-11-04T06:42:00.001-08:00

Can someone please tell me who this kid is and where my baby went?

In Karate. Yay Hannah

Pumpkin Farm

2009-10-26T07:38:00.000-07:00

We went to the Pumpkin Farm yesterday. It was a long tiring day but fun to. We lost Drew for a bit but he was found safe and sound. It was an awesome day!! Enjoy the pictures of my beautiful babies

New Blog

2009-10-08T10:56:00.001-07:00

I am starting a new blog to share your kids ridiculous artwork. I would love contributions from all you Mommies out there. http://didntmakefridge.blogspot.com/

Cartoons are teaching our kids to be assholes!!

2009-10-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

I am watching an episode of Olivia. This episode starts with Olivia coloring with her new crayons. She barely gets started when her brother wants to color too. She says no because he might break the crayons, he squeals on her (pig joke totally intentional). Her mom tells her to share and he takes all the red crayons. She decides to move on to a puzzle, Ian follows her and she says she wants to do it herself and he squeals again. She is told once again to share so she moves on to reading a book. Ian follows again, squeals and Olivia gets sent to her room.

This is how this would have played out at my house. Mom Hannah wont share her crayons. Well they are her crayons so suck it and go play with your own stuff. Mommy Hannah wont share her puzzle. Dude crawl out of her ass she isn't your personal play thing and stop tattling before I whoop your butt. (This is interchangeable with beat your ass but I was trying to be proper)

It would have never gotten as far as three times tattling. That shit gets old fast and I am not going to listen to it just because my kid is acting like an ass. I am so not into pushing the kids to share. I will tell them to take turns with things like the TV or what not but I am a firm believer in She/He had it first. Its not that I don't want them to share, its just I don't want them to think they can just have whatever they want because they want it. That isn't realistic.

To be honest for the most part they do pretty good on their own and only really get like the above scenario when tired and looking for a fight.

Really Hannah?

2009-09-29T08:37:00.001-07:00

Here were have a normal picture of my beautiful child, my first born, the love of my life and one of the most gorgeous kids I have ever seen in person. Yes I am biased, but seriously gorgeous no?
And here we have a picture of the goofiest child I have ever seen in my life, a child that may be channeling Water Boy. She is that kid you see out licking the play ground equipment, A child that really really needs to learn not to try and look cute, just go with God gave her.

Four Scary Letters

2009-09-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

ADHD. I feel like just the thought of them should cause thunder to rumble and lightening to flash across the sky.

My baby girl was officially diagnosed as ADHD yesterday. I was really surprised by that evil little H. I thought for sure only the A and D's were her issue. Apparently not. I sat there calmly talking to the Dr about it. Hannah reading a story about Scooby Doo. Inside my head was exploding. NO it screamed SHE IS NORMAL!! Then I started going over in my head how I had caused this or how it could be pinned on me having caused it. Too much TV not enough breast milk, I shouldn't have kept her on formula until she was 15 months I should have returned her crib because other models had been recalled for lead and maybe hers got lead by association. She did chew on it enough.

The Dr was really kind about it all. Telling me the facts and trying to soothe the fear he saw in my eyes. Hannah all the while just say there reading books. He told me he could see that she was bright, that she was sweet and not to worry about the wart on her finger that I had to point out to him. Maybe the wart is the cause of her issues?

Issues plural. It seems that along with her ADHD she is dangling over the edge of being under weight. How I want to laugh a terrifying hyserical laughter over this. I am such a cow right now and my daughter is losing weight while eating nothing but crap. The weight is an issue because should we decide to medicate her one side effect is weight loss. You will be so proud that I managed not to say "Oh can I have that"

Her behavior in school has improved and today was the first day that she even got a warning in class this month. I spoke with her teacher and she is more then ok going the drug free road and putting in the extra effort for Hannah to do well. God help me that through the years all her teachers rock this hard.

Right now I am still just digesting this. It doesn't change who she is, it just helps us to understand why she is the way she is. It is however never easy to admit that this person, this person that you grew in your womb for 42 weeks, this person that I created has an issue that has to be worked on. I want so much for my baby girl and I hate to think of her having to work that much harder to get what she wants.

If anyone can though its her. She is the most stubborn, determined person I know. She is strong and she is smart and she will meet her potential, add to that, that she is absolutely beautiful and I think that ADHD needs to look out for her. She is going to kick its ass and I will help her.

A Charming Tradition

2009-09-22T17:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took Livie and Drew to my parents house to wish my dad a happy birthday and deliver some pumpkin bread I had made. My mom has always loved singing to the babies and did so with Livie. This is what Livie thought of it.

Things My Kids Have Said To Me

2009-09-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

Its time for another addition of horrifying and down right funny shit my kids have said to me.

These are some gems from Drew.

(I was on the phone with Harmony and said asshole)
Drew: Oh are you talking to Daddy?

Drew: Mommy you are like a big rock

Ugh I don't feel good
Me: Oh whats wrong
Drew: I feel fat

Drew: Mommy you know what?
me: No buddy what
Drew: If I had a spider on my back you know what I would do? I would go to Andre's house (what he calls my sister in law Andrea) and say Andre can your chicken peck this spider off my back.

Me: Babe can you get Drew a cheese stick
Drew: yeah and a beverage
Me: What did you say?
Drew: A beverage, you know like a pepsi or something.

Drew to woman in front of fish tanks at Wal-mart: Hey would you get out of the way so I can see the fishies?

Drew to same woman later in the shoe department: I told you to get out of our way.

Drew: Mommy can you move this table over so I can jump into the TV?

I really only have one gem from Hannah. She is getting old enough now that most things are said to be funny, therefore making them less funny

After eating her weight in rice Hannah says: Ugh I am pregnant.
Me: Hannah if you ever say that again I will smack you
Hannah grabbing her belly: DON'T HURT MY BABY

The Bitchmom Chronicles.

2009-09-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

I am in a very bad mood. I am annoyed by people and their snide comments on FB I am annoyed by my kids and I am really cheesed off that Mobsters is only letting be deposit 50K at a time. The only thing I had going for me in that game was my bank account and now its stumped.

The reason for this bitchiness? Mainly my kids. Drew has turned into a shrill Fresh Beat Band loving beast that just screams all the time. Trying to get Hannah diagnosed has me about ready to rip my face off and Sweet Livie is going on her third week of sickness. All in all I am over it.

East Bound and Down

2009-09-15T06:53:00.000-07:00

This is how I found Drew's trucks last night. I don't know why but it really made me laugh so I thought that I would share.

Life or Something Like It.

2009-09-14T06:06:00.000-07:00

Oh poor neglected blog. I miss you. My outlet has become something of a chore. I want to write but I am afraid I will be boring. That is so stupid since this is my outlet. I will try to blog more, boring or not.

First matter of business is an old one. I am fat. True story. I am 220 pounds of fat. 220. This is the first time I have ever been this fat and not pregnant. Something has to happen. Quite frankly I am depressed again and that causes me to eat like a elephant. I need to stop.

Also, I am now a Daisy leader. For those who don't know what the fuck that is, its Girl Scouts. There are levels to the girl scouts did you know that? There isn't just a plain Girl Scout level. There are Daisies, Brownies, Juniors and Cadettes. Hannah is a Daisy therefore I am a Daisy leader. Now I can say things like well My Daisies this or My Daisies that. Much like the obnoxious woman at the orientation that was very proud of having been established for awhile and showing off, not realizing that all she was doing was making the rest of us noobs ask ourselves, "Why the fuck is she at new leader training" If you want to buy cookies let me know. Also if you want to give a non tax deductable donation to my little sweeties.

The third point for discussion will be a real shocker to those long time readers. Every kid in the house and Dave is sick. *gasp* What? My very healthy kids are sick. Apparently Livie has the same lack of immune system that the rest of the blood Murphys have. I am having her fitted for a bubble as we speak.

I have greatly neglected you all with pictures of her royal cutie patootie. She is so big already. If you hold her legs she can sit up. All on her own with only the help of her abs. My kid has abs. Must be from her dad cause I sure as shit don't possess any.

To Honor The Fallen.

2009-09-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

I am posting two letters I recently read. The first one was a complaint regarding a soldier's funeral causing her stress on the way home from work. The second is a reply from the sheriff. The woman brought up some valid points but then loses all credibility with me at least when she calls one man a hoo haw biker and describes and event that is slightly outrageous and makes her seem far too much the "victim" in this. Also when she brings up a history of abuse.

If you want to post negative nasty comments about our men and women currently serving overseas do it somewhere else. I will delete it. Feel free to debate whether the woman had a valid complaint or not.

The original email was sent to Sheriff Glenn Boyer on Thursday, August 27. Below is the citizen's email followed by Sheriff Boyer's response.

I tried to call you earlier this morning, but was unable to obtain your extension from the voice mail system as I was not sure of your first name or correct spelling of your last.

I was inadvertently in this procession as I was leaving work on 270 from Creve Coeur and proceeding on Hwy. 30 West. I have some issues and complaints. I called the Sheriff's office last night, but the officer in charge would not speak with me. His name was Corp. Curtis. I am in no way complaining about your officers. I, however, was not treated very fairly when I called last evening because I wanted a ticket/complaint/or at least a slap on wrist for the people involved. Let me explain:
1) This procession should never have been held during rush hour traffic! Hwy. 270 is dangerous and people drive way too fast and there is too much traffic. This soldier's certainly would not have want his family hurt on the interstate taking him to Cedar Hill. People were dead-stopping on the interstate even though the procession was in the far right lane, the other three lanes just stopped. There were many near accidents and possibly were after I drove through. I was in the 2nd to left lane, no way obstructing the funeral procession.
2) I exited off on Gravois (30 W), far right lane. Your police officers went in the left lane to stop any additional on-coming traffic so the procession could exit off 270 into the LEFT lane of 30. Again, I was in the right lane. The St. Louis County officer stopped and turned around at Weber Hill to return on 270 after the procession passed.
3) The road was not closed. (Only for president as far as I know.) Again, the road was not closed. Your officers only had the left lane blocked/closed for the funeral. All other traffic by MO law can proceed as long as they do not interfere (weave in and out )with funeral procession.
Let me say, that I did not know what was happening. I knew the did not have Kennedy coming to STL, at least not yesterday. I was at work all day. No news. Nothing reported on the traffic on the radio driving home.
Anyway, two of these dirty, nasty, renegade, who knows what motorcycle men that were escorting the procession proceeded to stop in front of me in the right lane on Gravois. I had to stop in the middle of an intersection. They proceeded to scream and yell at me about respecting this soldier, etc. One of them climbed off his motorcycle and came over to me and stuck his head in my car continuing to scream at me. I asked him what this was for and he told me I needed to stop as the officers had the road blocked and show some dang respect. #1, the road was not blocked, the funeral was in the other lane. #2, I am proud of our country and sorry for the family, but they had no idea where I was going or anything else. I could have a child at day-care, I could have been sick and racing to the bathroom, I could have a sick parent waiting for me, etc., etc.
#3, They are not law enforcement and had no right to stop in the lane on Gravois and they had no right to scream at me and intimidate and threaten me. If I would have had my pepper spray, I would have used it on this nasty man! He is just a big hoo ha that is not even related to this soldier. The other man did not get off his scooter, but was along side of my passenger window screaming.
I left an abusive husband 1 1/2 years ago and I did not need this intimidation. I was livid and shaking!!
My son is a deputy sheriff in another MO county. I respect police officers. It was not their fault as they were busy with traffic, but I called to make them aware of what was going on during this thing. The St. Louis County officer saw it but of course he was out of jurisdiction.
However, I called last night and your office asked me if I knew about this soldier. Again, I am sorry about him, but I am a taxpayer. I got a speeding ticket a few months ago and paid the fine. I do not deserve to be treated like this. I wanted to let the officer know how these men were acting. Also, they were driving into the turnarounds on Hwy. 30 and then back onto the road. the funeral was much further ahead. One of them nearly got hit by me and other people almost hit him and another as well. I wanted to lodge a complaint about them why they were still there, but no one in your office would take any information or do anything.
This was not a military funeral, even though it was a soldier. There were not military vehicles. It was a funeral and the road was not closed, the lane was closed, I was in the other lane and again, these nasty men had no right to do this and I would have liked them to get a ticket!
I am sorry for the soldier and his family but you cannot let these motorcycle renegades do this. They could have caused several accidents and I really wanted them arrested. If they had any respect for the soldier they would have dressed better and not looked and acted so scuzzy.

Thank you.

From:
Glenn Boyer/JEFFCO
Date: 08/31/2009 02:05 PM

Subject: Re: Fw: Re: Funeral Procession - Yesterday p.m.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear XXXXX:

Yes, you do deserve a response and I am willing to give you one.

I would like to say that I am sorry for the inconvenience we caused you during the funeral procession of Sergeant 1st Class William B. Woods, but I cannot do so. I would ask instead that you take a moment of your time to take into consideration the scope of the event. Your very right to complain was the reason Sgt. Woods fought for his country and ultimately gave his life; thus making the ultimate sacrifice for you and your family.

Let me introduce you to him. After high school, Sergeant Woods entered the Marine Corps. After his contract was up, he joined the Army, where he became a Green Beret. He comes from a long line of military members in his family. His Uncle is a Vietnam Veteran and two of his grandfathers were World War II Veterans. His job in the Army was one of the most dangerous jobs - he was a sniper looking for the bad guys to stop before they killed or injured one of our soldiers. He has numerous decorations to include the Bronze Star and the Purple Heart.

He grew up in Catawissa and was best known by his middle name, Brian. He enjoyed the outdoors, playing sports, and skydiving. He had a wife, Elizabeth, and two daughters, whom he loved dearly. He was a soft-spoken, level-headed young man who was proud to serve his country no matter what the risk. Now, I did not know him, but I wish I did. I am quoting from newspaper articles written about him.

At the young age of 31, he was shot during an engagement with Taliban forces in Ghanzi , Afghanistan . He died of his wounds in Germany on August 16, with his family by his side. He did not choose the time of his death, nor did he choose the time his remains would be brought back to his home in Catawissa. He just did his duty. He was quite a young man.

While you were being inconvenienced in your car on your way home, there were soldiers just like Sergeant Woods carrying 100+ pounds of equipment in 120 degree heat, up some mountain or in the middle of some desert. They will shower out of a helmet liner if they get the chance. They will eat a cold meal of MRE's; something most people would consider garbage. They cannot text their family or friends, or go to McDonalds, or watch TV. They can only continue the mission and look out after the guy to the left and right of them. They don't complain because they know they volunteered. The only thing they ask is that we do not forget the sacrifices they have made.

One of the dirty "big hoo ha" bikers, as you call them, was Brian's uncle, a Vietnam Veteran, like myself. We were not treated with a homecoming. We were spit on and called baby killers by a misguided public. Brian's uncle was giving him the respect that he, himself, never received when he came back and I, for one, am proud of him for doing so.

You say that your brother is a deputy in another Missouri county. I am sure he would be proud to escort the casket of a fallen solder, the same as he would that of a fallen officer. I am also sure he would not agree with your complaint about being inconvenienced.

My mother recently passed away. She was a World War II Veteran, serving the U.S. Army. She would say, maybe you should pick up Sergeant Woods' ruck sack and carry on where he left off. Then you could see first hand what it really is to be inconvenienced.

Per your request, I will forward your complaint to the Prosecuting Attorney's Office for his review. It is my personal opinion that your complaint is self-serving and without merit.

Sheriff Oliver "Glenn" Boyer

Adjusts Saddle, Climbs Up on High Horse

2009-09-03T05:52:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I read a news article about a crazy old geezer repeatedly slapping a 2 year old in a store because it was crying. He didn't know this toddler, he was just a crazy asshole. Of course many of the commentors on this story state that he should have slapped the mom, then go on to tell their tales of woe about being stuck near crying babies in the same situation while just trying to buy one or two items. My comment to them, stuff it up your asshole sideways you crybaby. I am supposed to abandon my shopping cart that always has a minimum of 60 dollars worth of necessities such as formula, diapers, toilet paper, so that you can buy your magazine and gum? Bullshit. I bet the stores would rather I stay with my crying baby and spend my ton of money then have your silent crabby ass there to spend your whopping 7 dollars worth of crap.

I know I have bitched about this attitude on here before and ironically my kids rarely have loud screaming fits in stores. Its usually me having them. Not to mention I try to shop as early as possible so that I am not in the store with the childless crowd. However I have rights too. Just because I have a baby doesn't make me less important. Finacially I would say it makes me more so. I spend around 900 a month on food, diapers, formula, medicines, wipes and all that other house hold crap that I can't seem to get by without. Ok 100 of that is probably Starbucks....who am I kidding 300 of that is coffee related. I don't go to the store for fun. It isn't enjoyable for me to drag my brood through a store listening to them begging for everything their greedy little eyes see. But I have to feed them, clothe them and keep them healthy or I will get arrested. For this I have to go to the store and yes sometimes my little snowflakes cry. Get the fuck over it.

As for what I would do if I was standing at check out and some man slapped my child. I would grab the nearest Sobe break the sum bitch on the check stand and cut that mother fucker. I would go all Tasmanian Devil on his grouchy ass and rip his head off. All I am saying is there would be a few knees to his saggy old groin. Shopping isn't eating out. Yeah if you are in a resturant and your kid is crying get your ass up and take them outside to calm down. Shopping is a free for all. Instead of being a dick and making this over stressed parent's life any freaking harder, just shut up and deal with it for the 5 minutes that you are there and then thank God that you don't have to listen to it any longer then that.

The Problem with Coffee is

2009-08-30T17:13:00.000-07:00

I am addicted to it. Starting around the summer when I was 12 because I went on vacation with my dad and brothers to Mississippi, where the people we were staying with woke up at 4 am. I don't know why, they didn't have animals to take care of, they didn't have a farm. I never saw anyone leave for work. They were just always up at 4 am. Due to this I started inhaling coffee. Well that and the fact that I was up late most night charting the positions of the very terrifying spiders that were all of the wall and ceiling.

From that point through high school at least I was a 2 cup a morning girl. My sister or I would stumble out to the coffee maker each morning. Since then its been a on and off thing. Due to its adverse effects I can't always have it.

Why am I telling you all of this you ask? Well mainly I just couldn't find any other way to work in this photo. So I just did something random and now I am showing you this.

This my dear readers is a Clydesdale Penis. I saw it at the fair this weekend and immediately knew that you would all want to see this.

Why am I telling you all of this you ask? Well mainly I just couldn't find any other way to work in this photo. So I just did something random and now I am showing you this.

Her Attention Seems to have a Deficit

2009-08-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

Hannah's that is. A few years back I started to have Hannah tested for a behavioral disorder. With the addition of a lot of Omega 3 to her diet she pulled out of the troublesome behaviors and I stopped the process chalking it up to my over active imagination.

Last year Hannah started to exhibit some troublesome symptoms as well and again pulled out of them. She was still difficult, but not as difficult. So I ignored my instinct again and did not do anything about it.

However I have been approached with the ugly truth I have been ignoring for a third time from a third teacher and I think that it is time to just toughen up and deal with the ugly fact that I have always known Hannah isn't just difficult, she is wired different.

Its so much easier to pretend that she is just a defiant little pain in the ass. So easy that Dave is rather peeved that I am pressing this issue again. He feels that ADD is a false disorder a label that should really read bad parenting. As the parent that is out of the house for 10 hours a day he feels fine throwing me under the bus since I am the primary parent.

Its all so frustrating. I think that is all

Dear Internet

2009-08-21T11:07:00.001-07:00

I need this, please send immediately

see more dog and puppy pictures

The Mundane Life of a Soccer Mom

2009-08-19T09:14:00.000-07:00

Actually a Karate mom but whateva. I have discovered a new level of momhood annoyance that is listening to these other moms sit around while knitting talking about the rough ride that is raising kids in this day and age. In other words I hear a lot of drivel these days.

A few weeks back I sat amused listening to a mom share her secrets about dressing her child in a way that keeps him from being shot in a drive by at the county fair while another mom anxiously scribbled notes so as not to lose her beloved in a drive-by I guess. "Never EVER allow your child to wear red or blue, those are gang colors" she exclaimed. "Oh my, I never knew this" the other woman stated, scribbling as fast as she could. Both women look like they are the type that drive expensive imports and live for the next Prada bag they buy all the while shuffling their kids to the 8 million activities in their lives. I wonder to myself if they are thinking that we perhaps live in Compton or Detroit and just 40 miles outside of Sacramento in what could barely be called a city. Not to say that there isn't danger here just like any town now we have gang activity but not to the point where its totally unsafe to wear "colors" and like most places its really just certain parts that are the danger.

Then yesterday I caught another conversation as a mom told the fears she had of her child developing the dreaded MRSA. She spoke it as one in the past may have spoke of leprosy. It can never be mentioned above a whisper for it may hear and strike us dead. MRSA she stated is a deadly staph infection that you get in hospitals. We were so worried she would develop it. I thought long and hard about leaning over and telling them how Drew has MRSA and then setting my hand on their shoulder to see if they ran to disinfect. Not to make light of MRSA it is nasty when it goes unchecked but when you have a handle on it, its no worse then any other skin infection. Not bothering to explain to them that its considered such an epidemic in hospitals and nursing homes not because its some super killing machine but just like the flu when it is introduced in an environment where the immune systems are already low it has a greater chance of killing someone, but if you were walking down the street healthy as a horse and were exposed chances are you would never even know.

Anyways as my kids grow older and join in more activities I suppose I will be exposed more and more to people who live and breath for the next thing to fear, thinking that I am insane because I let my kids eat off the floor and let them pee on bushes. To them I am the crazy that doesn't carry hand sanitizer in my purse or neosporin or GASP doesn't even carry a purse, just uses her poor baby's car seat to hold her keys and wallet.

First Day of First Grade

2009-08-13T10:44:00.001-07:00

Today started Hannah's first day of First Grade. I am a little depressed about this. Mostly happy that she will be at school for 7 hours a day and I will not have to listen to her and Drew fight all day anymore. She was happy as a clam at drop off and didn't crawl under a easel or anything, I consider that progress.

We had to park down the street from the school because our sad little school has almost no parking. She saw her Kindergarten love interest Ryan so that helped her be happy too. However they are in separate classes. Probably a good thing since last year they got into trouble constantly for talking.

Tomorrow Drew has surgery to remove his tonsils. Good thoughts would be appreciated.

The rest of the trip.

2009-08-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

The rest of the trip was pretty run of the mill. Nothing extraordinary happened. On the drive home I gave Hannah and Drew motion sickness pills but apparently they hadn't really kicked in by the time we hit the really bad road. I believe its 20+ miles of the most extreme switchbacks you can imagine. It often makes me car sick while I am driving, that is how bad it is. Most of the turns are so sharp they have a 15mph limit. BLEH.

Anyhow I was listening to Hannah complain about everything under the sun on the drive home. Her feet hurt, she didn't want to hold her happy meal, her legs were asleep. The movie wasn't loud enough. You get the picture. So on one of the stops to make her happy I decided that I should give her a barf bucket just in case. She SWORE she didn't have to throw up but I was suspicious. Next thing I know she has thrown up. Awesome.

That dealt with we head the rest of the way home with no excitement. THE END lol.

Here are some more pictures I want to share.

Days 3 and 4

2009-08-01T18:11:00.000-07:00

Day 3 was pretty standard camping. My little sister gets cell service at our camp so I called Dave because I missed him. Big mistake. Apparently I made the online payment to the water company to late and they shut us off. Dave was pissed. That pretty much killed my day and I considered driving home, hiding and smothering him. Instead I pouted all day ruining one of my days in paradise.

Day Four dawned and I was ready for an adventure. I told my mom that if she watched Livie I would take my rotten nephew with me. She agreed and I had a little pep talk with Satan's minion about how I would take him with me if he behaved and how much I really needed help with the kids. He eats that shit up, being assigned a helper roll. So he agrees and the three of us roll out of camp and into town.

Our first stop was lunch, man was I friggen hungry. I am painfully lazy so I tend to eat nothing but chips and cookies while camping. Things that don't require me to light the camp stove or open ice chests and dig through freezing ass water for food. Next we hit Point Cabrillo light station. As the name suggests its a lighthouse. Harmony and I visited it last year and apparently I had forgotten the pain and misery that comes with dragging a shit ton of kids on a half mile hike. At least this year I didn't have to shit in a bush. The kids were more willing to walk and I actually didn't have to beat any of them. However Drew did cut his toe on a rock and we got chewed out by the light keeper because my nephew sat on their fence and could have broken it, a fact that was not lost by me and as usual I was getting onto him for when the light keeper pulled up. He also threatened the couple walking behind us with a 200 dollar fine for not having their Pomeranian on a leash. I guess someone took a dump in his Cheerios that morning.
Next on our grand adventure was a stop to the sea glass museum. Apparently having a collection of shit is enough to call something a museum cause it was little more then one room with a bunch of sea glass. I did however pick up a few pieces for our collection.

After the "museum" we hit the highlight of our trip Glass Beach. This was where the excitement started. I found a prime parking space and pulled in only to be surprised with a pothole that was most likely caused by a meteor strike. KATHUNK!!! Oh well I guess there is a reason it was open. Shrugging that off we started the trek to the beach. Its not a long walk but Drew was pretty done walking by this point. He was getting a little whiny. When deciding which side we wanted to go on we were stopped by a hippy intent on warning us of our imminent death, since clearly I am unable to keep my children alive without helpful stranger's crazy rantings.

"Hey" he says to me "Yeah?" pulling the kids together behind me in case I was going to have to open up a can of whoop ass on the nut. "There is a strong undertow here and a lot of sleeper waves" I am quite aware of this but said politely "Oh thank you" to which he says "No really it is dangerous there are a lot of sleeper waves" umm sure Mr. Crazy, at this point I am silently hoping he isn't going to cut me open and eat my guts in front of the kids. "Thank you, we wont go near the water we are here to look at the glass" he gets a little red now. "LOOK I don't want to see your kids die OKAY" RUN KIDS RUN FROM THE NUT JOB "Thanks dude I promise I am not going near the water" At this I grab hands and start pushing the kids down the trail farthest from crazy man.

We got to the beach and the kids were having a blast playing and finding treasures. I look up on the cliff and see the loon watching me and shaking his head in a OMG I knew those kids would drown fashion, all while my kids are no where near the water. FUHREAK. I let the kids play a while longer then got them out of there before we ended up on the nightly news as the missing family last seen speaking to the Crazed Hippy of Glass Beach.

And that was Day 4.

Glass Beach

Obviously where I am going to let them play in the waves right?

Drew was done. Shortly after this he peed his pants to spite me

Hannah, Drew and Satan's Minion at the lighthouse

Fence I was chewed out for and no you smart ass Drew isn't peeing on the fence.

That pink thing is some sea snail, gross huh

I love this boy, wet pants or not

Those dimples should be registered as a weapon

Fort Bragg Day 2

2009-07-31T08:10:00.000-07:00

Day two of camping started early as it usually does when camping. I had a painful need to pee so I jumped out of my van and ran to the restroom. When I got back to camp I went to my tent to gather coffee, creamer and sugar. When I entered something didn't look right. The lids were off my storage tubs and my cookies were gone and a bag of marshmallows were torn open and a half eaten filthy marshmallow sat on the floor.

I assumed on of the kids got into my tent that night but everyone was accounted for and hadn't moved from their beds. Thats when I was alerted to my sisters trash strewn through camp. Raccoons had obviously had themselves a party. Thanks you fuckers.

Nothing else terribly exciting happened most of the day. Hannah asked "What is wrong with nature? It so dirty" a line stole from the cartoon Olivia and used at the perfect time.

I decided to go walk to the edge of the cliff to view the ocean, one of my favorite activities, just communing with nature. Unfortunately I must have gotten a smidge close to nature. I heard a rustling at my feet and looked down to see a snake staring at me.

Time stood sill for a few minutes then it clicked that I was toe to snout with a snake. At the same time we both screamed at the top of our lungs (do snakes have lungs?) Me yelling SNAKE SNAKE SNNNNAAAAKKKKE. The snake screaming HUMAN! HUMAN HUUUMMMAAANN. At this point we ran in opposite directions. I turned to find that someone had been watching my little snake dance and I explained that I saw a snake and marveled at the fact that in the 22 years or so we have been visiting this campground I had NEVER seen a snake and it startled me. He agreed he had never seen one hear either.

The rest of the day passed smoothly, no snakes to speak of. We roasted marshmallows and went to bed.

Our lovely bed. So much warmer then the tent.
Drew roasting the mallows
My smore
Livie isn't sure about this
Hannah

Fort Bragg Day 1

2009-07-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

So I just returned from a trip to Fort Bragg, Ca. Actually I was North of Fort Bragg in Westport but we have always just said Fort Bragg. I thought that I would bore you all with a day by day account of our trip.

Day One started much as expected. I woke up at the crack of dawn packed up the car, loaded the kids, kissed the hubby goodbye and hit the road. First stop was Carl's Jr. My kids favorite place in the world to eat and pretty high on my list too. I pulled up to the window and when I reached for my debit card realized that it wasn't in my wallet. Shit. I pay with a credit card and sit there trying to figure out what to do. Yes, going home was probably the likely solution but I was already 10 miles from home and I really didn't want to. I have an account in just my name hooked to the main account so I figure that when we stopped at my sisters (she was following in her car) I would use her laptop and transfer the funds. Crisis averted.

We get the funds transfered, get her car loaded and get ready to head out. I am pulling away when my cell rings. Its my sister...her car wont start. SHIT. At this point there is no loading her into my car, its packed full. We stand there swearing for a minute or two and decide to jump it. Bless it all it starts and we are off. All is well for the majority of the trip and we get to camp and set up. Have dinner, roast marshmallows go to bed.

Here are pictures of the first day.

This is at the rest stop/boat launch we stopped at to pee. I have come to this place my whole life

Livie with Grandma at the rest stopHannah at the pier

Our campsite
Hannah covered in sand

I'm a Writer

2009-07-18T08:41:00.000-07:00

That can't write. I have always wanted to write a book, but to be honest I have no writing skill what so ever. I never cold do book reports in school. Essays or anything else that required me to string coherent thought. I do better with fractured and run on sentences.

I imagine that you would need to have the plot and storyline all thought out before writing a book . I don't know if you are supposed to develop them as you go or do you just let the characters grow and develop as you write the story.

I am fairly critical when I read books if there are a ton of errors about the location. For example I read a book that described Sacramento as a booming metropolis and the character had never seen a cow. Now Sacramento is a good sized city but its no L.A and I doubt you could live around here your entire life and not have seen a cow. However how do you not make those mistakes? Use only make believe towns?

Anyways, I don't know what my point is with this. See again, I can start a story no big but I am terrible at finishing them. GAH

A Trip to the Train Museum

2009-07-12T20:58:00.000-07:00

AKA Hannah sucks out my soul. Thats right, she SUCKED. OUT. MY. SOUL.

I decided last week that the older kids needed some time with Mommy and Daddy but without the baby. Obviously I can't be as attentive to them as I want to be when I have a baby with me. Even if she is having a good day babies take a lot of work. So I found a sitter, planned a day out and told Dave that if he showed even the slightest hint of irritation or impatience with the kids that day I would do an at home vasectomy without pain meds.

The problem however started Wednesday of last week when it was brought to my attention that I am a brain dead idiot and didn't realize Hannah had a girl scout event and a sleepover planned for Friday night. I thought that it was Monday. Fun right?

Hannah was tired which equaled whiny to start out. She was pissed that her cousin had to go home and this was further aggravated when we pulled into my brothers drive way and discovered my dad there. "Can't I just stay here with Papa, PLEASE?" That was shot down, a decision I would later regret greatly. Then she finds out that we are dropping the baby off with my mom and that angers the beast. "You said it was family fun day" *I stole that from Slither* "Yes Hannah but Mommy wont have fun if I have to carry a hot sweaty baby around all day" ugh, this pissed her off and good.

Family Fun Day quickly turned into OMFG there is no way these evil fuckers came out of my uterus day. Hannah whined about EVERYTHING. The stairs to get into the trains were to high, she didn't want to go upstairs because we would all fall off and die, and the best best best. She had a life ending mosquito bite.

The culmination of all this came at lunch when we went to a Mexican Restaurant and wouldn't you know it, they didn't have french fries. Dave went out of his way to run downstairs and get her some fries from the restaurant below us and then she refused to eat them. This is about the time that I started behaving in all the ways that I told Dave he had better not.

Moral to this story: Nothing ruins family fun like family.

For H Dawg

2009-07-09T18:42:00.000-07:00

Things My Kids Don't Get

2009-07-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

I swear there are a few things my kids just don't get and I fear that when they are grown up and married I will have to call them to yell these things at them.

Close the door. I say this easily 900 times a day, they are simply incapable of closing a fucking door behind them. Even when Drew does decide to close a door its only the screen door. Sure at least 400 more flies don't come in but it also lets out precious air conditioning.

Stop playing with your penis. Drew tugs that thing like nobody's business. All day long he is pulling on it and pushing it back inside his body. Today I even caught him hitting it with a fly swatter. That leads us to.

Go potty. Don't just stand there playing with your wiener hoping the potty will dry up GO PEE. Which leads to.

FLUSH THE TOILET. I swear you think either of these kids can flush a toilet? How do you think I know how large Hannah's poops are, because she has NEVER flushed a toilet in her life. The only time Drew flushes is when he is flushing a toy down it. This leads us to.

Put your underwear on. From the time Drew wake up until he goes to sleep there is one thing that is certain he will not willingly put underpants on. Honestly no one wants to see that.

Put some clothes on. Hannah has reached an age where its no longer acceptable to be naked all the time. Honestly I think this age was hit about 4 years ago but since I had to be the one to dress her then I was a little more lenient on it. Now however I have to be on her like white on rice. She will even sneak off to her bedroom to strip down to just her panties and hang in the buff.

Pick that up. It doesn't matter what it is, food, toys, a DS if it is in the kids hands they will just drop it where they stand and walk off. So inevitably it falls on me to tell them to pick it up. UGH.

Leaving the house doesn't make this any easier. It starts when we are getting ready.

Get your shoes on.

If you want to take something with you go get it.

Go Pee

Lets go

WHAT!?!? WHY AREN'T YOUR SHOES ON?!?!?! GET YOUR GOD DAMN SHOES ON.

I open the door and hear WAIIIIITTT I WANT A TOY. WHAT?!?!?! GET THE FREAKING THING AND LETS GO.

I open the car and turn to lock the house while the kids run to the car. Get in your seats and buckle up, I tell them. Then I get Livie and head to the car. As I get to her side I notice that the kids aren't in their seats or buckled. GAH GET IN YOUR SEATS NOOOWWW. At this point they both get crammed between the middle seats and get into a fight. ENOUGH I tend to scream and then tell them again in your seats. I get Livie in, get her binkie in re-adjust her mirror that the kids bumped and moved.

I close her door and walk around to Drew's side to ensure he buckled right only to find that he isn't even sitting. Then I grab him, stuff him in his seat while he screams that he wants to do it and my head explodes. Then I get in turn the car on and start to back up, I look in the mirror to find Hannah standing up not in her seat any longer and trying to get herself killed. I stop tell her to sit down and buckle up. She does finally or tries rather then says she can't so I have to get out and buckle her up too.

Off and on our way they are just sitting there and I think that there is nothing they can do now to annoy me when I hear....Mommy I have to potty. Then my head explodes again.

Other random things I say repeatedly and they never remember.

Stop jumping on the couch
stop eating your boogers
don't run into traffic
hold my hand
hold on to the cart
don't put your hand in your butt
wipe your nose
stop screaming

I am slowly losing my mind.

Obilgatory After 4th Post

2009-07-06T13:04:00.000-07:00

So as all you Americans and really probably the rest of the world knows this weekend we celebrated our Independence Day. Like most of the nation we grilled and ate to excess, cause that is the best way to celebrate. Then we headed outside to catch shit on fire cause it ain't celebrating if shit ain't burning.

This of course was Olivia's first Fourth of July celebration and being that she is not even 3 months old she was pretty unimpressed with the festivities. I will guess that she will be more into it next year.

Drew responded to it in exactly the same fashion as last year and pretty much the way he responds to every loud noise, he covered his ears and hid.

Hannah was all into it and would have burnt down the house if she could have.

That is about it for now.

I think I am in love

2009-07-05T21:00:00.000-07:00

God Bless The USA

2009-07-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

Happy Independence Day. Despite all the turbulence and struggling our country has been through lately. Despite the recession and the politics, I believe I live in a truly great nation and I am proud everyday to be an American citizen. I love this country with my heart and soul and I am proud of all our soldiers who fought for our freedoms and who continue to fight oppression. Thank you for your bravery. I love you all.

I'm a lot like a cat

2009-07-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

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I can admit it

2009-07-03T08:10:00.000-07:00

I am hooked on Facebook. The site I once called plain and boring is now needed like I need air, or water, or Diet Pepsi. Its true and I am only slightly ashamed to admit it so there. There are a million ways I could better spend my time but hey I have crops to harvest and a restaurant to run on FB so why bother. Plus it keeps me from mindlessly blogging about the baby.

Speaking of the baby...SQUEEEEE. She is so farking cute. She has located her feet and is captivated by them. I can't blame her they are super sweet feet. It takes everything I have not to munch on them night and day. I hesitate to claim she is sleeping through the night, because if we all know anything its that making the statement out loud will jinx it. However I will state that she hasn't woken me up for a bottle in the middle of the night for 4 days.

Hannah is now struggling with the reality of life and death. She has been playing one of her dad's video games called Spore. Apparently she killed off a critter she made and something clicked and she started thinking about her own passing. Being that I pay very little attention when she is babbling I mindlessly gave her an answer I thought that she wanted to hear and made the situation a lot worse. After crying for hours about the fact that she will someday be parted from this world she seemed to accept the fact that it is inevitable and crying about it wont help. She keeps asking questions about it and I do my best to avoid them since I don't know what the fuck she wants to hear and I don't want to make it worse.

Drew, little stink rat Drew. How can someone make you dread see them while at the same time make you miss them every second that they aren't wrapped in your embrace? When I see that kid coming around the corner I want to dive under the couch and hide. He is in simple terms a total shit head. Yet he is so fraking cute you can't help but want to be near him. He is like a Venus flytrap, only he lures you in with his one giant dimple then strikes when you least expect it.

Me, I have been piling on the weight since the baby was born. I had a few good weeks were I was losing really well and when I went in for my 6 week check up I was actually a few pounds lower then my pre pregnancy weight. Now thanks to a suddenly life ending pop tart addiction and a hip that is still out of joint I probably am up at least 10 pounds. I am afraid to get on the scale so I am estimating. A pair of shorts that I wore when I was 3 months pregnant no longer fit and that makes me sad. I am starting the gym on Monday. I will not stay this size. I hope.

That is about all I have for now. I shall leave you with a gratuitous baby picture.

This is her preparing to battle her hand. She hates that hand.

What I Have Learned From My Gecko

2009-06-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

I am bored and idealess so here is what Hannah's gecko has taught me.

1. Meal worms are disgusting and a little scary looking.

2. Wax worms are to a gecko what cheetos are to Brittany Spears

3. My gecko loves wax worms

4. Crickets are annoying and quick.

5. Gecko poop is two toned, white and black.

6. Gecko bites don't hurt (fine Frank you were right)

7. My life is so boring that the gecko is considered entertainment.

That my friends is the extent of my gecko facts

HOT HOT HOT

2009-06-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

Its hot this weekend. Right now its 109. Of course this would be the weekend I decide to try to get my damn family to help me clean up the house. We actually did get quite a lot done however there is a lot more to do. The laundry is a no go this weekend because I am not running the dryer and I can't mop either because I have a steam mop and I am sure that I would die from a heat stroke while doing it.

Olivia has been engaged in a winner take all battle with her hand for the last week. I think she has alien hand syndrome. While she is sleeping her hand sneaks up and flings her binky out of her mouth. She then screams and latches on to her fist making the loudest most obnoxious sucking noises until I wake up give her the binky back and the process starts all over again. Its really fun....really.

Hannah and Drew have entered into a competition to see who gets smothered before the end of the summer. Right now they are neck and neck. Every time I think one is pulling into the lead the other one does something shitty and the competition is back on. Drew is getting his tonsils and adenoids removed August 14th so perhaps Hannah will win. We shall see.

We also have a new addition to the family. Echo Gecko Murphy joined us last weekend. She is Hannah's gecko technically however she seems to be more mine then anyone else's.

That is about all the news from here for now. I will update you should anything change.

Seriously?

2009-06-25T03:55:00.000-07:00

So since summer has started I have yelled myself hoarse at the kids. I don't know if its just boredom or what but these two could piss off the pope. Hannah is a snotty brat who HAS to have the last word and Drew is just an asshole. Tell him not to touch something and it kills him not to. He will walk up to me and tell me that he is going to throw something at me then proceeds to do it. He gets spanked once a day at least. The absolute highlight of the summer so far was me having to smack him in the head twice at the public pool because he latched on to my stomach like a pitbull and refused to let go. He NEVER bites. Ever. I don't know what got into him other then being tired. He was just laying in my lap one minute and biting the shit out of me the next.

There was a funny moment at the pool however. Drew has a bathroom phobia. Hannah does as well but she is at least getting over hers. Drew, not so much. So the bathrooms at the pool have metal toilets. Drew has to pee badly so I take him to the potty. NO he screams. These toilets are scary. I can't argue with him, public toilets are foul. So he refuses to go. No biggie I think we are at a pool he will pee eventually. For an hour this kid held it doing a award winning potty dance. His knees are together, his hand is on his penis (when isn't it?) and he is squirming like a worm. Finally I have to run to the van to get a bottle for Livie and he comes with me. I could see a visible sigh of relief when he spotted a bathroom in the park. "THERE MOMMY" he screams "I WANT TO PEE THERE" Having been there before I knew they were the exact same toilets as the pool but he was adamant. Look buddy there is a bush, lets just use it. "NOOOO MOMMY, I need to use that potty" I sighed and agreed and in we went. He spotted the toilet and I swear I saw the first sign of recognition that as a Murphy nothing EVER goes your way.

He stood there contemplating, does he use the potty, hold it, or just use the bush I offered when and idea struck me. "Hey Buddy" I say "How about we pee in this trash can? Joy lit up his little face. "Yes" he shouted and proceeded to disrobe. Kid has to be naked from the waist down to pee. I hold the can up to his business and he relieves himself. It was like the scene in Austin Powers where he is peeing for ever. I swear the can was half full. When he was finished I emptied the can into the toilet and he got dressed. The only problem we have now is that he wants to use the trash can in public toilets and not the toilet.

LOL Cat

2009-06-22T07:51:00.001-07:00

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6 years is a Lifetime.

2009-06-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

I pretty quietly acknowledged the passing of Hannah's 6th year this year. I didn't figure you all needed to read her birth story AGAIN. Which you can totally find in my archives for like the last 6 years.

Anyways I just wasn't equipped to deal with her turning the big 6. She is growing up so much, gone is the baby I held in my arms so many nights singing really badly too. Gone is the chubby little hands that used to clutch her blankie pink so tightly at night that her knuckles turned white. No I have a very big little girl. A little girl that used to not care at all what she was wearing and preferred to not wear anything is suddenly wanting to pick out her own clothes. No longer do we walk through the clothes section with me just grabbing what I want her to wear, now she just HAS TO HAVE THAT HELLO KITTY SHIRT. PUHLEEAASSE MOMMY.

Commercials for shoes that used to play unnoticed are now THE COOLEST SHOES EVAR. Please can I get sketchers Mommy? PUHLEASE.

I have a feeling my life just got a lot more expensive

Post In Which I Whine Pitifully

2009-06-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

Today as I was cleaning the house I was doing my usually internal bitching. See I really really love a clean house, however I hate to clean and when I have to clean I spend the entire time bitching in my head. I do this because what I really want to do is yell at anyone in sight, however I don't want everyone to run from me in fear when they see me with a mop so I just keep it to myself.

Today I was thinking about all the things I am. I am a mediator to many disagreements. I am the judge and jury for many crimes. I am a jailer after the punishment has been decided. I am a Dr, a vet, a maid, a plumber, a cook, a maid, a laundry mat, a driver, a maid, a nanny, a dishwasher, a waiter, an errand girl, an accountant, a garbage man, a maid, a tissue, a security blankey, a body guard, a cop, a napkin, a butt wiper, a diaper changer, a beautician. I do all this and more. My job is 24 hours a day with no sick time, no vacation days, no lunch hour I don't even get a bathroom break. I am stuck at my job with no end in sight for the rest of my life.

For all this, I wouldn't give up what I do for anything. I am Mommy and ask any kid and Mommy is the greatest woman in the world. There is no one prettier or smarter or funnier. No one that they would rather have to kiss their owies. To them at least for now I am all knowing and all powerful. I am magic, I can make fruit snacks appear at will.

So even though my kids are pushing the very limits of my sanity, seeing just how long it takes for me to kill one of them, I think I will keep them. Little jerks. I will leave you with this:

A Post About Nipples

2009-06-14T07:25:00.001-07:00

I was chatting with Cary last night and decided that I should be a post on nipples. I am not really sure what a post on nipples should consist of so I am going to give a random smattering of nipple info.

Hannah calls her nipples decorations.

Drew got pinched by his car seat and thinks the bruise it left is a third nipple growing in.

After my breast reduction I tore my nipple stitches no fewer then 3 times. They are terribly scarred now.

Dave is very sensitive about his nipples and wont let me touch them or play with them at all.

That is why it was hysterical when Livie tried to latch on to one and breast feed.

Dave wont hold her without a shirt on now

Speaking of Livie she had what looked like a pimple on her nipple I gently squeezed it and was shocked to discover my baby was lactating.

On the topic of lactating I still am even though I don't breast feed. I was rubbing some lotion under my boob and squirted myself in the eye.

That is the extent of topics I have about nipples, I hope you enjoyed.

Pictures

2009-06-11T05:59:00.001-07:00

You are all so sweet. Thanks for understanding the complexities of being a starving mommy with three demanding beasts. With that said I will move on. We had pictured done yesterday. Oof what a nightmare. It took half an hour to get the first picture. Hannah and Drew were royal pains refusing to hold the baby that they are always begging to hold here wanting gum and just generally being butts. They kept giving the most gooney smiles you can imagine and at one point Hannah made her head disappear into her neck. Seriously what is that? Olivia was asleep for most of it woke up for a few and then went into royal melt down mode for the last few. Here is what we ended up with.

Dear Readers

2009-06-09T20:37:00.001-07:00

Dear Sweet Readers, if I still have some. Here is the deal with Audra, I am tired. I have truly wanted to post more, I really have trust me. Its just that, I am brain dead. I am getting so very little sleep and I am surviving on pop tarts and coffee. I usually get to eat a real meal on the weekends when Dave is home but otherwise unless I go through the drive thru I get poptarts. I just don't have the time to cook. I was eating a lot of boiled eggs, but Dave said no more. Apparently they stink. So anyways thats me. I am taking the kids for portraits tomorrow which is always comical stay tuned.

Happy Birthday Baby Love

2009-06-08T06:10:00.000-07:00

Today is Hannah's 6th birthday. We had her party yesterday. Its all so weird how fast the little beasts grow up. Here are some pictures of her through the years.

Old Post

2009-06-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

Someone just reminded me that I have a blog on Myspace. I didn't remember this. So reading back I found some gems I may just steal and post here if thats alright with you folks. This beauty is from August of 2006

Username and Password Do Not Match

Seriously folks, that is the story of my life. Here is something to know about me. I don't know a single password for anything, I rely on my browser to remember this info and when it gets lost, I have to then submit lost passwords for EVERYTHING. I suck.

We have been potty training here in the land o poop. I have purchased several videos with furry critters singing about the joys of taking a dump on the toilet. I have listened to children in these videos scream about doody and yet Hannah is still in a diaper. I will be honest with you folks, I didn't expect this to be a challenge. Hannah is a smart girl and has hit every milestone way before the expected date. She spoke early, she walked early, she called another driver in traffic a dickhead early, so it came as quite the surprise that I would have to do something more then directing her ass at the toilet and telling her to shoot it in there. I was spoiled. I don't understand her potty training resistance. She has fought nothing. Giving up her bottle was easy, switching to her toddler bed was fairly easy and now this. People it isn't fun. In the last month I have found an elephant sized turd on the bathroom floor, been brought poop in a toy frying pan and washed poop finger paintings off her belly more times then I want to count. The only thing I have been thinking is that even when this is through, I only have another year or two before I have to go through this again with Drew. That folks is why I think I am done having kids.

In other news I have sorta been contemplating a job. I thought that it would be nice to go to work a few hours a week, maybe put Hannah back in preschool and work while she is there. Dave however has announced that I cannot abandon Drew like that. Yes folks because me wanting to be out of the house for a few hours a week is child abandonment. Call CPS have me flogged I am an abandoner. Honestly it isn't that I don't want to be with the kids all the time, its that I am sick to death of talking about Elmo taking a shit.

Worse then your own life flashing before your eyes

2009-06-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

You know how they say when you are staring death in the face, you see your life flash before your eyes? Well I discovered a worse version of that tonight. Seeing your child's short life flash before your eyes is a knee weakening event. Its something that I will never wish on anyone. If possible I would really like to never experience again myself either.

I don't think its a secret that Drew is a total lunatic in public. In private either for that matter, but he is my lunatic. Tonight was Hannah's second karate class. The place we are going to used to be in an awesome studio. The dojo was on the second floor of a building the first floor housed a gym. They had three rows of stadium seats and a two way mirror to watch the class through. Their new building sucks. Tiny lobby, no viewing area. Anyhow, the real problem is that my son is insane. After class we headed out. Drew saw the van doors open from across the lot and took off. Right into the path of a Ford Expedition.

I don't think I have ever screamed so loud in my life. It was like a movie. Time slowed down but it happened so fast. A cry of terror ripped from my lips "DREW NO" The woman driving thank god saw and slammed on her brakes. 3 years isn't enough time with my baby. I may joke about killing them, but to be honest, there is nothing I fear worse then losing on of my kids. I got to the van prepared to rip the kid a new asshole but words failed me. I grabbed his little shoulders so that he would see me when I tore into him but the only thing I could do was pull him into my arms and bury my face into his hair and hold him so tight that he was just a smidge scared. "Mommy" he said "That car almost squished me"

A Rare Product Endorsement

2009-06-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

I am not a huge product endorser. I have things that I love but I hate recommending things since I know that everyone is different. However I had just a great experience with Graco today and I am going to share that.

You may have noticed that in 99% of the picture I post of Livie she is sitting in a very cozy looking seat. You can see it here. This is the seat portion to her Graco Sweet Peace Soothing Center. That is the fancy name for her swing. The swing does triple duty. It is a swing, it is a seat and it will even be a rocker if you need it to be. It has soothing sounds and a hookup for a MP3 player in case your baby is like mine and prefers Nickelback to soothing lullabys. The seat has a vibration setting, which I am wondering why they don't make for moms (kidding) It has an AC adapter which if you have ever had a swing addicted baby you know how many batteries you go through in a year. This swing truly has it all.

You can imagine my chagrin last night when I discovered that the plug for it has disappeared into the swing base. I went to plug the adapter in and there was nothing. Hmm thats strange but not an issue because my baby is only 6 weeks old, surely any store would still take it back right? Wrong. Sear refused because even though its only been used 6 weeks it was purchased in February. Mind you I don't think it was delivered until March, but apparently the purchase date is what matters. So I started to get pissed and decided to call the manufacturer. I prepared to have a battle royale with whatever asshole got on the phone to tell me that I was sentenced to buying a million D batteries for the next year. I was denied this opportunity.

As I explained the situation to the customer service rep, while wiping Drew's but and trying to soothe a screaming baby I heard these words "I am terribly sorry ma'am, we will get a new unit shipped out to you in a week. In case it was actually the adapter that caused this, we will ship a new one as well so we can study both to see what caused the issue" I was floored. Not a question about when it was purchased, not a question as to how it was used. A simple apology for my inconvenience and the promise of a working part. Thank you Graco for not adding more shit onto my heaping plate of dung.

I was already pretty Graco loyal. Their products are affordable and generally work well for my needs. I am reasonable enough to understand that this is a brand new product line and as such will have quirks. So anyone that is having a baby I do recommend this and all Graco products. I have after all been using the same Graco stroller for 6 years without issue except that whole cat piss thing.

Dear Bloggie Buddies

2009-05-31T06:23:00.000-07:00

My life is boring...the end.

No really, how sad is it that the most I have going on for me is a virtual farm? I have a bit of a cold so I haven't been cleaning, now my house looks like ass but my farm is awesome. I even got Dave hooked. Its so addictive peeps honestly.

Hannah started karate last week. I am hoping it will help make her normal and less spastic. Pray for us lol.

I started my diet finally. I had my 6 week checkup and was at 1 pound below pre preg weight and decided that I would rather be 50 pounds or more below it. I think 100 would be nice but I am realistic I am almost 32 years old and I have 3 kids. Being 150 or 160 would be a dream. 140 would be amazing and 130 is probably at this point infuckingpossible but a girl can dream no?

We were supposed to go to a BBQ one of Dave's employees was having, however Dave was up till all hours working on a downed server and isn't in the mood to drive 2 hours to this guys house. See Dave commutes an hour to work each day and so does this guy, just from different directions. Fun right? I was and wasn't looking forward to this BBQ anyways. I thought it would be nice to get out of the house but taking the kids places is always a test in patience. Since its 6:30 and I just broke up the first round of toddlermania 2009 I have to assume today is going to be bad anyways.

This is Hannah's last week of school. I am dreading having her home all day every day but looking forward to not having to get up at the crack of dawn wrestle three kids in the car and drive 1/2 mile to school, wrestle 3 kids out of the car and walking to the kindergarten.

Yay Summer

Today Fuck You Friday

2009-05-29T07:16:00.000-07:00

Fuck you DVD makers that wont allow you to jump straight to the menu. Thanks for eating my soul 2 minutes at a time

Are You Fucking With Me??? (a rant about kids)

2009-05-28T16:46:00.000-07:00

I think we have all had these moments with our children. If you haven't then you are a liar because kids are designed to test the very outer limits of our patience. I was just giving the kids a shower when I had one of these moments. I started mentally composing my blog right then to keep from beating my kids to death with the shower head. Here are some of the more common "Are you fucking with me" moments Also could be called are you serious or are you kidding moments for those with delicate eyes.

Giving the kids a shower is a test of my strength. Today it started out with me turning the water on to cool down...yes in California we have to turn the water on to cool down. I go back into the bathroom and the shower is turned off and the kids are wet and dripping on the floor WTF? "Mommy the shower was to hot" sigh "I know that Hannah I was trying to get it to cool off" I turn it back on and wait a minute or two and go back to check the shower is off again the kids are wet and dripping on the floor again. "Mommy the water was too cold" "AHHH, WHAT..WHY...MOTHER F....." "Ok here" I turn it to the perfect temp and start to wash their hair. Hannah slowly inches to the back of the shower and I pull her back, she slowly inches away again and I pull her back. Finally I lost it and screamed "SERIOUSLY ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME HOLD STILL" They were surprised when I made them get out of the shower.

Some other things:

I notice that suddenly the house is covered in their dirty clothes, I tell Hannah pick up all this laundry on the floor and take it to the laundry room. She picks up two things and asks if she is done because she can't see anymore laundry SERIOUSLY?

Every morning we fight about going to school. I tell the kids to get in the car. In the time I get Livie in the car and go back up to lock the door Drew is still not in his seat. After 9 months of school he does this every morning. REALLY YOU'RE NOT BUCKLED YET?

They ask to go outside every day, it starts early and they pester me until I deem it a decent hour for them to be outside screeching like dying monkeys. They go out for half a second and come back in, "It's to hot" SERIOUSLY, IT'S TO HOT AT 9 AM??

"Mommy, would you put tractors on for me?" I put the movie on and hear "NO I WANT FIRE TRUCKS" so I switch it thinking I heard wrong. "I WANT TRACTORS" What? ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?

Other things that make me nuts:

"Mommy the baby is crying" Fucking really, is that what that noise is?

"Mommy I want more milk" I want a smaller ass and perkier boobs, guess neither of us get what we want.

"Mommy I can't find my (insert random object)" Really you can't find that thing that is right in front of you?
(Hannah is one of these people that can't find her ass without assistance)

Ok I think I got all the anger out of me now.

Scrapbooking

2009-05-28T06:45:00.001-07:00

I have started scrapbooking again. I started Liv's album and tried to catch up a little on Drew and Hannah. I can't help but feel they look like kindergarten art projects rather then scrapbook pages. I really hope they love them when they grow up.

The crown isn't really on the page, just didn't want her school name out there

Dreams

2009-05-27T05:28:00.000-07:00

So I have a few recurring dream themes. The worst two of course center on Dave. The one that is most common I would say is that I can't seem to get a hold of him. Something has happened and I am trying to call him and I can't remember his phone number. Either that or I just can't dial it right. So the entire dream is spent frantically dialing a phone only to forget the last 4 numbers or spent dialing, hanging up and redialing because I have punched it in wrong. Its so frustrating that I wake up mad.

The second theme is that he has cheated on me and I am trying to express the seriousness of his actions and he just doesn't care. I threaten to leave, he doesn't care. I threaten to take the children and never let him see them, he doesn't care (and I would so never do that to him or my kids) I threaten to take everything we own, he doesn't care. These dreams usually turn to violence. I don't know why I have these especially when all is right in the world.

Two things I know for certain is that Dave would never cheat on me and he would die for our children. So why I have this dream constantly is a mystery.

Why We Get Along

2009-05-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

An IM conversation between Dave and I. Background. My laptop doesn't have a feature to turn off the mouse pad thingy, so occasionally while I am typing the cursor gets moved to a different place and I type like a total idiot

Audra says:
hey will yar today?ou call and pay the c
Audra says:
damnit
Audra says:
call and pay car oday
Audra says:
DAMNIT
Audra says:
today
davemurphyca@yahoo.com says:
otay
Audra says:
you mocking me
Audra says:
and my typing?
davemurphyca@yahoo.com says:
ot at all
Audra says:
DEATH!!!!
davemurphyca@yahoo.com says:
deth!
Audra says:
My name is Audrigo Montoya, you mocked my typing, prepare to die
davemurphyca@yahoo.com says:
lol
davemurphyca@yahoo.com says:
that was pretty good for 7:30 in the morning
Audra says:
I have been up for 2 hours and already had a pot of coffee

Happy Memorial Day

2009-05-25T05:39:00.000-07:00

It's Memorial Day here in the US which I think has turned into more of a lets grill and spend the day on the lake holiday then one meant to remember our lost loved ones so this Memorial Day lets take a minute to remember the men and women whole laid down their lives for our country and say a prayer for the men and women who are over seas.

If This Was In My Bed

2009-05-24T05:51:00.000-07:00

I would beat it to death with my pillow then burn my bed to be sure it was really dead

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

In The Motherhood

2009-05-23T06:33:00.000-07:00

No this isn't about the show, just my life. It might be a little random so buckle up and enjoy the ride yo.

Yesterday was Hannah's kindergarten carnival. It made me a little sad that I didn't volunteer in her class more since it was all sorts of fun, but honestly I don't think she would get any actual work done if I did. They did a short program where they sang a bunch of songs about fishes and such. It was adorable. Hannah was a crab, but there were shrimp, crocs, sharks, whales and fish as well as a yellow submarine. One of the teachers talked just like Mr. Mackey from South Park ending every sentence in "mkay" and it took all I had not to laugh. I am also very proud to announce that Hannah was named Student of the Month this month. Its exciting considering how rocky the beginning of the year was and how much she has improved.

On to Drew. Its becoming more and more apparent that I am going to have to speak to his Dr about having his tonsils out. They are so big and the kid is practically narcoleptic now, falling asleep in random locations all day long. Yesterday I made him lay down with me in bed and he fell asleep for 4 hours. The sad thing is he woke up at 6:30 pm or rather I woke him up, he still had bags under his eyes and still went to bed on time at 8 and is still asleep now. Thursday he took two 3 hour naps. He woke up from the second one looking like road kill.

Livie is now a babbling baby. How is it that I just gave birth mere hours ago and this kid is already 5 weeks old? Honestly did I just have her? How is she babbling and cooing and smiling? Drew is her absolute favorite person in the house, he gets the most smiles and when she hears him she whips her little head around trying to find him. He loves her too. At the moment she is just snorting because she is seriously congested. Ahh to be a Murphy.

And now some pictures for your viewing pleasure

My little crab cake

waiting in line to do a ring toss

How I found Drew asleep on his chair, yes his undies are backwards, don't judge at least he is wearing them and there are no skids

What he looked like when he woke up, nice hair buddy

Doing her best Billy Graham impression..Can I get a hallelujah from the crowd.

Have A Lot To Do

2009-05-22T06:28:00.000-07:00

and I am not talking about farming for once. I am going to Hannah's school carnival today to volunteer so I have to actually shower...ewww. Also there is the little matter of getting the kids dressed and fed (assholes demanding food) so I will leave you with a video and pics of the baby.

I need a life

2009-05-21T06:36:00.000-07:00

Do you ever realize that you have NO life? Yeah it occurred to me yesterday when I nearly wet my pants with excitement over receiving a bunny rabbit on farm town. Seriously people IT'S A SICKNESS. Oh well at least it keeps me from killing the kids for entertainment.

Last night Liv wouldn't sleep to save her life. Why? Because Dave and I were dying for the kids to go to sleep so we could get down with it. Instead we ended up in bed with a squalling baby listening to Far Away by Nickelback and praying like hell she falls asleep. Yeah, lots of fun. Last week when I was making my tribute to sleep she heard that song and has been addicted to it. I don't mind it to terribly much, I know that the world seems to hate Nickelback but I have heard worse, however after hearing it 300 times in a row I wanted to stab out my ear drums with an ice pick. Thank God no one has ice picks anymore. Hannah was like this with music too. She LOVED that Sheryl Crow Kid Rock duet which really blows because Sheryl Crow's voice is like 10,000 nails on a chalkboard. Thankfully I found a version with some other chick singing and didn't have to end my life suddenly at the age of 25.

Facebook and Why its EVIL

2009-05-20T06:33:00.000-07:00

Seriously, why is it that I am suddenly so freaking addicted to this crap? Maybe because there is just nothing better to do? Either way sheesh I am there all day long. I mean when I am not cleaning that is.

How I am Really Spending My Day

2009-05-19T05:31:00.000-07:00

So I have really been cleaning my house like a tweaker, but I have a slight confession. I am also totally fucking addicted to Farm Town on Facebook. Here is the thing. I have been on Facebook for MONTHS, maybe even a year. I just never used it. Then, a friend added me and he had an old friend from high school on his that I have been missing, so I added him and from there it spiraled. So I have started Facebooking. (is that a term?) Then the folks on the message board I go to mentioned a game called Farm Town and holy shit and shinola I am addicted.

The game is simple, you plant crops, you harvest crops. You can hire people to harvest your crops and you can work other crops. I have been farm stalking trying to . I work other peoples farms so that I can earn some money so I can afford to plant more crops. Its a vicious circle. I will allow my baby to lay in her seat crying her head off so I can harvest just one more crop. I will let the older two fight to the death so long as I get to work another farm. I need a 12 step program. A a stiff drink. Its true. People call and I ask, so have you heard about this Farm Town game, then they say, Ma'am I was just wondering if you were interested in a new credit card. Yeah, hold on let me tell you about this game first. Sorry Ma'am I uh have the wrong number. Anyhow, that is what I am doing with my time. Since its been in the 100's all week I think its fair.

About my lack of blogging

2009-05-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

I am in sort of a manic cleaning the house state so I haven't felt like blogging. Give me a week or two and I will probably be better. Maybe even tomorrow since I am out of things to clean, except my closet

Favorite Harmony Quote of the Day

2009-05-17T16:31:00.001-07:00

"Austin would sell you a dollar for a quarter"

My Babies

2009-05-17T06:32:00.001-07:00

With friends like these (tales from an orchard rerun)

2009-05-13T06:51:00.000-07:00

I have previously mentioned my friend Harmony on here. She is truly a friend I could bury the bodies with if need be. Harmony has been with me now, the only two times I have been pulled over.

The first time, we were 20 and driving home from what could only be described as the most disappointing rave to ever exist. We were driving my mom and dad's car, a 1965 or abouts Ford. We were going to bring a bottle of vodka to get drunk outside so that we didn't have to pay for drinks and we forgot to grab it. Which turned out to be good since we were 20 and not of legal age. We get to the rave and its....wait for it.....a CLEAN AND SOBER rave. Seriously. The worst part is it took forever for us to figure this out. We were hungry so we stopped by Burger King and started on the long drive home through cow pastures and orchards. It was late and I was eating and driving fast. We pass through the only town on the route and a cop pulled into traffic three cars behind me. I was thinking aww loser is going to get pulled over, but the loser was me. The guy pulls me over and I was like a deer in headlights. I couldn't find anything and Harmony was howling with laughter at me. The cop asks if I know why he pulled me over and I say, "um (big doe eyes) was I speeding officer"? "No" he replied "I pulled you over for suspicion of drunk driving" "WHAT" I gasped out "No officer I am not drunk I am only 20" I handed him my license which he ran and decided I wasn't drunk and let me go. He handed me my license and I GASPED again and he walked to his car. It was Harmony's license not mine. As I drove off I ran over some of those crazy reflector poles. It was ridiculous.

Today the second time, was just as ridiculous. After a day of errands in town Harmony and I headed to burger king, this time 30 and with a mini-van full of children. Her husband drives truck and asked her to bring him lunch. We were told to meet him along this road that happens to be nothing but orchards. Almost as soon as I pulled over this green ford escort or something like that passes us and immediately flips around and pulls behind us. I tell Harmony great they think we are broken down and lock the doors, flip off the hazards and hope they leave. We are in the middle of nowhere. The guy gets out and walks up to the car I roll the window down just enough to tell him to beat it, while I am calling Dave just in case the guy is a crazy killer this way he knows we have phones. I turn to tell him we are fine and find my nose right in the guy's badge. Umm ok. He says he is a county sheriff and I am thinking, oh well that is nice that he wants to help.

He proceeds to question us as to what we are doing on the side of the road and are we meeting someone, is someone with us and so on. Finally he says that he is investigating Ag thefts. Harmony says to this, "what is that?" and he says there has been a rash. A RASH mind you of sprinkler and fruit thefts. So we are kinda laughing now when this car flies by and the cop sorta lurches forward. "OH MY GOD" I scream "Did that car hit you?" Harmony just starts laughing, because I think secretly she would like nothing better then to see someone clipped by a car. Not hurt mind you, just clipped, she is just that way. He says no and then asks for our licenses and goes back to run them. At some point while he is grilling me, I tell him I couldn't steal things right now, since you know I had a car full of babies. He is back at his car and then comes back for our registration. I can't find it. Its my sister's van. I am without a car until we go pick it up at the shop. He seems suspicious of all of this and is making my armpits sweat like I was at my plastic surgeon's office or something. Finally he comes back and says we are clear and he leaves.

I just can't believe the stupid reasons I get stopped. We were laughing so hard about this and when we turned onto the street he turned on we couldn't see the car anymore. I think that they had it disguised as a walnut tree.

Repeat Post

2009-05-12T08:00:00.001-07:00

I was looking for a post and stumbled across this gem. I have to repost it.

I heard a song on the radio yesterday about sending a letter back in time blah blah blah. It made me think about a project that I had in 10th grade where we had to write letters to ourselves and then 10 years later the teacher would send them to us. I thought that it would be funny to post my letter on here, but alas I can't find it.

It pretty much went something like this anyways. I LOVE Damon, I will marry Damon, I will have beautiful little Damon children oh and Damon Damon Damon. There was also a letter from Damon in it. It went like this. I LOVE you Audra, when you read this we will be married and have beautiful little children, unless I somehow messed up and you broke up with me, cause I would NEVER break up with you. Gag Gag, Barf Barf. Seriously, the best part is not 6 months later we were broken up, he broke up with me and I do not in fact have any beautiful little Damon children. Not that, that is a bad thing.

I do however bring you this treasure that I dug up instead. This is from my friend Harmony.

My name is boogery Lil
I get all my boogers from Phil
their slimy and green
If you know what I mean
And Audra is the greatest.

Wait there is more

My name is Harmony Fart on Me
When guys come around
they get a hard on from me
I break all their hearts
because of my farts
and Audra is the greatest

But that is not all

My name is otter pop Audra
I kill all the guys that I'll see ya

?????? Still not all

My name is Flamming Damon
and all the girls say hey man
but I ignore them all
during their fall
cause Harmony is the greatest

and the very last I promise

My name is Ralph Mouse
I live in a very big house
My ex-girlfriends all stink
which makes me think
that Audra is the greatest.

You know what I think? I think that Harmony is the greatest. Beep Beep Zip Dang, thats the road runner.

Not another year like this

2009-05-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

Dear God, please don't make my kids be sick all freaking year. We already had a year like that, it tested my strength and I think considering that everyone is still alive that I passed the test. I am not positive that the outcome will be the same again. Signed Audra

Thats right folks, we have another illness in the house, 2 actually. Drew is running a fever of 102 and Livie is at 99.4. Drew woke up at 2 am screaming because he threw up all over his bed. Livie is sleeping well but throwing up all her formula. We had our first night of all three kids in our room last night. I have to say that although crowded it felt good. I love being a mom, I may threaten my children with death on a regular basis but man I love those little assholes. Seeing them sick is heartbreaking. Especially Drew. I don't even need to use a thermometer to tell he has a fever his eyes start to get red and his hair starts to smell like its burning. He gets really clingy and floppy and then falls asleep in random places. It is much better then Hannah's way of flopping around screaming like a dying wildebeest. Honestly. Well this post is boring me so I know you all are either done reading or praying I am done typing. Enjoy your day with your healthy children!!

Don't Pay One, Pay Another Twice

2009-05-10T17:15:00.000-07:00

That was apparently my bill paying motto last month. I realized that when I got our phone bill this month that it hadn't been paid, I thought that was odd since the money that would have paid it was missing from our balance, but hell lets face it, having a baby is expensive and no matter how prepared you think you are, when the baby gets here you discover that there is at least 200 dollars worth of crap you still need. Most of which are spit rags and diapers. Or in Olivia's case 40 different kinds of formula at 25 bucks a can. Also massive amounts of peanut butter M&Ms. Anyhow then comes our furniture bill this month and lo we paid it twice last month. By we of course that is me and my stupidity. Well at least we are getting it paid off right?

We applied for a consolidation loan this weekend. Hopefully we get it. I have been on Dave for years to do this, but he never thought it was necessary. Well he decided to attempt a Mortgage modification so that our finances were better and all it did was screw them up. We have been waiting for Well Fargo to "review" our application now for like 3 months. Its stupid insane and we really really need to get it taken care of. Lost my train of thought and have to feed the baby now. *sigh*

Fuck Off Friday

2009-05-08T05:59:00.001-07:00

I noticed a lot of cute alliteration posts this week, Wordless Wednesday, Thankful Thursday so I declare today Fuck you Friday. Why is that you ask? Oh maybe because my asshole baby was awake ALL NIGHT LONG, and by all night I mean between 1 and 3:30 am. I would say I don't know why, but I do, it was to fuck with me. That is what asshole babies do. I went to the Dr yesterday for my neck, I was given muscle relaxers. Here is a tip, don't take those when you are home alone with your kids, cause being a spaghetti noodle helps no one. Anyways, Dave came home around 7 and I say, I am going to lay down for a minute. The next thing I know I was waking up at 11:30 to a screaming baby. I did what any good mom would do, I made her a bottle and promptly stuck it in her eye ball. We went back to sleep after I located her mouth and she woke again at 1:30 and that is when I entered into my own little hell. We eventually got back to sleep on the couch but the damage is done, I feel like death. DEATH!!! Argh.

Some random tidbits from yesterday:

I saw a different Dr then usual yesterday because mine wasn't in. I made a joke about dropping my baby on the floor if I took muscle relaxers buring the day, she laughed, I think I love her.

apparently making jokes about killing your entire family at 2 am is apparently not funny. I told Dave I was getting my gun last night and he looked truly terrified.

Olivia broke the world spit up record yesterday. First when I was changing her before I took Hannah to school she spit up on the couch, and when I went to clean that she decided to piss all over it. Then at 2 am she got the hiccups right after eating. I tried my best to fix them by bouncing her on my knee. All she did was spit an entire 4 ounce bottle up on my bed. That is when I threatened to get my gun. Dave was probably picturing this in his head. That's right, this bitch can shoot an assault rifle don't FUCK with my sleep.

I have a little tribute video for sleep.

Also this one

The Funniest Blog I Never Wrote

2009-05-07T06:22:00.000-07:00

I'll be dammed if when I woke up at 12 am for Livie's feeding if I didn't come up with the most hilarious topic to blog about. I chuckled to myself several times while feeding her cause DAMN was this going to be funny. Well guess what? I mother fucking FORGOT what the topic was. Yeah thats right, forgot. Not even an inkling in my mind this morning. So guess what? Ya'll get random randomness again. Sorry about that, but what can ya do right?

When I dropped Hannah off at school yesterday a truck pulled up at the curb and a woman got out of the front seat, opened the back door and pulled a 20 inch TV off her child's lap so they could get out of the car and go to school. A TV people, and not a fucking flat screen either. Thats good parenting right there Lou.

Hannah and Dave were wrestling around the other night. Dave threw her stuffed Psyduck at her head. She grabbed the Psyduck off the floor turned around and said to her daddy in her sweet little voice "What, you want some of this" I nearly peed my pants.

Drew asked me if his tractor had a ballast on it. Why does my 3 year old know he needs his tractor to have a ballast? He also asked if God made trains with traction rods. He scares me.

I am going to the Dr today. I think I am having an aneurysm. Not really, but I definately pinched a nerve in my damn neck the night Liv came home from the hospital and since my arms have been going numb I figure its time to get it checked out.

Its May and its foggy out....I am afraid this is a sign of the coming apocalypse.

Early Morning Ramblings

2009-05-06T05:52:00.000-07:00

I cannot remember what time I used to wake up before this year. I am thinking anytime between 6 and 8, usually closer to 6 so that I could get in my hour of alone time before the princess of evil and her side kick Dirty Drew woke up. However let me tell you, after Hannah started school I treasured my 7 am wake up time. I even had to buy an alarm clock to ensure I actually woke up at that time. It isn't like I could drink my morning coffee since Olivia hated all things caffeinated and wonderful. She also hated bacon, what kind of twisted fetus hates bacon?

Well here I am now, waking up most mornings at 5 and I have to say, I might miss being pregnant just a little. Just cause in theory babies are wonderful, soft little balls of love and contentment, in reality though, babies are assholes. They lay in wait for you to get comfy, or get something to eat or drink and then BAMMO they strike with deadly accuracy. The poop or puke or are suddenly starving. That is why God makes them so damn irresistibly adorable.

And now some random things from yesterday:

Hannah went to the bathroom and told me, Mommy I pooped a King sized man poop. It was terrible, and we have a low flow toilet that really couldn't handle the power of trying to wash that thing down. I wont get into details but it was horrible.

Harmony and I had the funniest conversation yesterday. I can't even remember all the details just that I feel like we laughed the entire time. That is always the best kind of phone call isn't it?

I am now 208 pounds. I know you all got onto me the last time I spoke of weight loss this soon after child birth but I am so freaking happy to be losing weight. It is hard carrying around enough weight to make another person.

LoL Cat of the day

2009-05-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

More baby stuff

2009-05-03T06:22:00.000-07:00

Have I bored you stiff with the complexities of living with a newborn yet? Sorry, its just that there is little else to my life right now. I could post about Hannah's insane ramblings but I kind of want to wait till she is better and I know for sure she doesn't have swine flu before I make fun of her. Thats just how I roll.

I though I would talk a little about the dangers of the midnight feeding (or any feeding between 9 pm and 8 am) today. I realized yesterday how dangerous it is for a half asleep mom to be taking care of an infant in the middle of the night, here is why. First there is the formula mixing. I am lucky to count right during the day, at midnight I could put one scoop of formula or 12 in and not know the difference. (Do not praise breast feeding to me for this I will eat your face) Then there is the issue of my reflex when she wakes up is to stuff a bottle in her face, see though babies wake up for a various of reasons, like a poopy diaper or the need to burp. The problem with stuffing more food into a baby that isn't hungry is of course that it all comes back out.

Another problem I run into on a nightly basis is falling asleep while feeding her. Which means I drop the bottle and it spills everywhere. How is it I can fall asleep enough to lose a bottle but my grip on the baby never waivers? I guess its a mom thing huh?

On a good note we switched to Nestle Good Start and the princess is pooping like a champ. Go poopy pants.

Now for some pictures.

Please ignore the carpet, I have been pregnant

My Life

2009-05-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

Dave and I are surprisingly content right now. Its really almost nauseating. At this point with the last two kids we had decided that we were finished. Especially after Drew's birth, I had no want or need to go through child birth again. Add two weeks of shitty sleep and we were finished. Add his RSV to that and Livie is lucky we have short memories. However at the moment all Dave and I can talk about is No. 4. When we should try again, what having 4 will be like. I am all for waiting at least a year, being as it isn't Dave's uterus he thinks we should start trying as soon as I am done bleeding. That ain't happening. Plus I want to enjoy the baby phase with Livie before I get pregnant and evil again.

What I do love is in the morning after the baby wakes us up and we get her resettled we lay in bed snuggling, Dave telling me how much he loves me and the kids, how he never thought he wanted kids much less 4. Then playfully cursing me for giving him our beautiful, smart and funny kids. Life is pretty sweet right now. I hope it stays this way.

Randomness

2009-05-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

I have already done 4 loads of laundry, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, washed all the bottles, changed 2 diapers, washed one toddler and cleaned and vacuumed the family room, its only 11 am. I am fucking beat like a kid in Wal-mart .

Speaking of Wal-mart I accidentally broke my bathroom etiquette rule and sat in the stall next to someone. I thought I just had to pee but when I sat down I farted the foulest of farts and pooped the stinkiest wrongest poop ever. I wanted to apologize to the woman next to me but instead I hurried up and finished and got the hell out of there.

I am starting to come down off my new baby high. That sucks completely. I am trying hard not to be a raving bitch, but I am getting a tad over whelmed with it all. I need to learn how to juggle.

Livie is two weeks old, I can't believe my baby is growing up so fast. Also Drew looks like a fucking monster these days. I swear at this rate he will be 7 feet tall, 4 feet of that being just his head.

Don't Mock The Hog Fever

2009-04-30T15:06:00.001-07:00

So last night Harmony told me an incredibly hysterical story involving her son, Wal-Mart and Swine Flu (I'll let her tell it). After laughing for ever I got off the phone with her and went to bed, telling my husband on the way. He collapsed with laughter as well, although he threw in an additional I will kill our kids if they pull that. There was a lot of swine flu jokes after that.

Sure enough we woke up last night to the screaming of our 5 year old. She was delirious with fever, she was at 103.5 and in pain. I am thinking to myself at this point, freaking great, we mocked the swines and now they are kicking our asses. A trip to the Dr revealed that its just a urinary tract infection. Whew dodged that virus infected bacon bullet this time, but honestly I think we should all think twice before possible incurring the wrath of that angry ham again.

Why Dave is my Soul Mate

2009-04-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

We are both such sick mother fuckers. After buying the van the sales guy pulls out the safety info to go over with us. He gets to the part where its showing why you don't put your children in the front with airbags and we look at the illustrations and start busting up laughing and the kid getting his ass kicked by the airbags.

Then the sales guy tries to explain when the air bags will deploy and why they wont at certain points. He tells us about a woman that was t-boned and then her car rolled and her air bags never deployed. So he says, you just got hit and rolled your car, the airbags aren't going to help in that case and you don't want to be hanging there upside down getting punched in the face by the airbags. I lost it, Dave and I were laughing so hard that tears were rolling down our faces. We are sick

Driving a Newborn

2009-04-28T19:24:00.000-07:00

Today I had to take Livie to the Dr which of course I had to drive to get there. On the way home there was the dreaded nearly getting hit by some butt fuck that wasn't paying attention (on a side note I was that butt fuck yesterday so I do understand) This douche however almost hit me twice. It was at this time I started railing at him through my closed car window. I was so fucking pissed. I think the rant started out simply with "Watch what the fuck you are doing buddy" awesome not having the older kids in the car so I can use the good words. From there though I composed a nice mental rant that I would yell at him if I could.

I think it went like this. I have a newborn in the car dick nozzle, if you hit me I will destroy you. I may look like a dowdy mom but if you hurt my child I will first check to see that she is ok, then I will pull you out of the car by your face and eat your soul. I will cause you such pain that you will beg me to kill you, but I wont give you the satisfaction. However I will leave you in enough agony that the next time you are following a woman in a mini van you will think, "Does she have a newborn, or any child, should I maybe not ride her ass like a bull in a field of cows in heat." Then my job will be done.

Anger management needed here much? seriously though is it too much to ask that I don't risk my child's life every time I put them in the car?

*this was originally typed yesterday but I wasn't sure about posting it.

Poop Watch '09

2009-04-28T09:04:00.000-07:00

Here is an update to yesterday's post. Livie is allergic to Soy as well as lactose intolerant. Joy to the freaking world eh?

However she did at least poop a bunch thanks to a laxative. Sigh, another poop issue baby

What it means

2009-04-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

To be a Murphy. There is a reason that there is a whole "law" named after our family. Its shit like this. See when Hannah was born I had planned to express breast feed her. Of course in the hospital I didn't have milk yet so I told them to give her formula when she was born. The girl got a head to toe rash. That sucked. Then with the breast milk, I would produce enough to feed an army and Hannah would eat it all, then barf it all up again. I mean she was sucking down 4 to 6 ounces and barfing it all up. The kid was lactose intolerant. Not a huge surprise, so am I. We switched her to soy and she was happy ever since.

Then came Drew. We went straight to soy. Drew promptly was constipated like a old man with no prunes. We take him to the Dr and we were informed that Drew is allergic to soy. Fucking great, our first child was lactose intolerant we don't want to deal with that so now what? Try the gentle formula like Good Start. Awesome, it worked and he was never plugged up again, although Good Start gives poo a strange metallic sheen, nothing I couldn't live with.

Now we have Livie. Obviously we want to avoid soy since we are now aware that soy gums up the works and that there is a such thing as a gentle formula. Any guesses on what I am about to say here? Any? Let me tell you....Livie is mother fucking lactose intolerant. Are you kidding me? I just want to ask the universe if its fucking with me. Try soy the Dr says. Great, I will get right on that. Is it too much to ask that my kid can just shit like a normal human? I am not exaggerating when I say I have to help her poop, as it push her legs up, hold her butt cheeks open and apply pressure to her rectum. There is no dignity to being a mommy.

The Newest Addition to the Family

2009-04-26T06:40:00.001-07:00

No not Olivia. Yesterday we spent the day buying a van. If there was ever a doubt I was a Mommy, it freaking gone like the wind now. I tell you its hard to feel young chilling in a van, but at least the entire family fits now.

We bought a Hyundai Entourage and first let me say what a fucking ass raping we took on it. Not so much on the cost although we were totally duped on that, but the general sales experience. You see I called and asked about the car I thought we could afford. A GLS trim model, I had been quoted 18,000 and that was a good price. Shit 18K for a new mini van, who is going to complain right? We get there however and they say that the only GLS they have in stock have this ultimate package. Fucking awesome, I just got a quote so obviously its for this model right? Wrong. They gave me a quote on cars they don't even have. The ones they have are 24K. Still not terrible for a van with dual power sliding doors, a dvd entertainment system with cordless headphones I mean the works but not what we were shopping for.

We tell them that is more then we wanted to pay and said we needed the base model to which they say, those are actually really hard to find. SO WHY THE FUCK WAS I QUOTED ONE? Seriously right? Then the sales guy who I liked brought over his douche bag boss who I didn't like and he proceeded to insult the shit out of us and act like being a fucking car salesmen made him some sort of super genius. Now, I try not to be elitist and all that, but my husband is in computers, and I don't mean just replacing mother boards for 10.50 an hour. He is a smart guy, and doesn't need you in his face with a calculator doing math that he could do in his head (seriously the fucker is so good at math I want to smash him with my 9th grade math book) He was going to be a nuclear engineer for Christ's sake until the college shut down the program. So don't question his ability to add and subtract.

I told the sales guy, wow he is a real dick isn't he? Please tell him to go away. He did and we were able to get a deal that felt a little less like a raping and in reality we traded them a total piece of broken up shit and got 2200 for it. The beauty of a car that looks brand new is they never expect ever last thing on it to be broken. Even the blinkers. Although I am sure they could scrap it for parts and get the investment back.

In the end we got a good deal on the van its just more then we wanted to spend, and Dave has a car that runs now, cause he took my Santa Fe. We also were told by every tech on the lot that they were impressed with the mileage Dave's car had on it. They think they should send it to Hyundai and have it bronzed. Apparently 220K miles on a 6 year old car is impressive. Who knew.

I think I should name her Maude or Gladys or something. Jessica your truck isn't Gladys is it? I forget her name. Maybe she could be a Bessie or a Helga

See my old Santa Fe in the background. I loved that car. Man is she dirty as hell now.

A Little Over a Week

2009-04-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

I've been a mother of three a little over a week now. Its been a new experience. There is some amount of same ole same ole going on. I have been spit up on. I have been peed on, this girl can shoot the pee, I have been pooped on, wouldn't be one of my kids if I hadn't. I have had to hold her tiny little butt cheeks apart and help her poop. Yep, that is life with a Murphy child. I have taken sooo many pictures of this girl. I am worn out, sore, a little crank but one thing is for sure, I am smitten with her. So are her brother and her daddy, ironically the person that was most excited to see her Hannah, hasn't really shown too much emotion. She has however been sick so I will give her a pass.

One thing I have noticed that seems strange is that I feel like our family is more of a family with her in it. I grew up in a large family so I think that now that there are more people here it feels more natural. Who knows. Now that I am done with that....how about some pictures?

I so wanted one of Hannah's face but she couldn't look away from the baby
I have been trying to figure out who she looks like here, its Harmony's son Ryder
Squee look at all the hair
Dreaming that she is an only child no doubt
Yeah she likes that idea

Wow that is a growth spurt

2009-04-22T21:33:00.000-07:00

I noticed something today that I really didn't want to notice. It seems Drew, over night went from being a baby to being a kid. I kind of knew it was a matter of time until I noticed he was growing, but suddenly having a 9 pound baby in the house makes the 40 pound baby seem a whole lot bigger. Yes that is right my 3 year old weighs 40 pounds. It didn't seem like it until today, then all the sudden I felt like I was wrestling a 9 year old instead of a 3 year old.

He feels thicker, he looks taller and just in general seems older. At least he still has an angel face. Here he is photo bombing Hannah.

I know it looks foul but there is nothing obscene going on in the background. Daddy's hand was actually trying to get to his happy spot to defend it from Hannah's giant head smashing down on it. He was too late......Maybe three is the magic number.

What's Weighing on My Mind

2009-04-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

So one thing that I have been thinking about since my little Livie bell was born is my huge fat ass. You see, as a youngster I was, how shall we say? Hot as hell. I can admit it. I am not ashamed of my vanity because at the time I had no clue what so ever. Thought that I was huge fat and ugly. Now I know I was just stupid. Then as time flew by my ass got bigger and bigger, going from the 105 pound waif I was in high school to this, right at this moment 220 cow that grazes all day long.

Then in 2007 I decided I was tired of being a fatty boom batty and got serious about losing weight. I lost 40 some pounds getting down to 170 before embarking on my breast reduction journey. After the reduction however something bad happened. I got into a major funk. When I am in a funk I eat. When I eat I get fat. I gained back most of that weight that I lost. Then I got pregnant with Olivia. Through out my pregnancy I only gained 12 pounds with her until the last few weeks where I shot up to 250 (Can a sista get an ouch?) Now I know that was all water, but it still sucked to see.

Anyhow, I am as of this morning 220 and ready to start watching my friggen weight again. I think I will set my official diet start date for next Monday only because I am still hurting quite a bit and when I hurt I eat. See a pattern here? Plus we have no diet food in the house and I am not about to go grocery shopping just yet. So anyways. That is what is weighing on me right now. I needed to get it out. So starting Monday expect to see a lot of whining and sniveling about what a fat ass I am. Sorry about that. I will try to restrict the most of it to my diet blog.

The Following Things

2009-04-21T10:04:00.000-07:00

Have caused my milk to let down.

Drew sitting on my lap.

Hugging Dave

The baby crying

Talking to Dave on the phone at Wal-mart about batteries.

Thinking about the baby

Looking at the baby

I can't wait for this to dry up and go away.

The Thing That Sucks About Newborns

2009-04-20T16:48:00.000-07:00

The first few days pass by so quick. Where as I can't wait to get to where she is more interactive, these first few days seem to fly by with such a quickness. Maybe its cause I am so farking tired I have only been half awake. Maybe this is why they are awake so much at night, so that you get your money's worth out of the first month? The thing is on a day to day basis with the older kids I don't miss their new born days because they grow into such hysterically fun people, but having a newborn again and having it bring back all the memories from when they were tiny and that is when it hurts.

On a more painful note my boobs are like boulders and I had to buy a 40 DDD bra to restrain the boulder twins.

Random Thoughts

2009-04-19T18:46:00.000-07:00

From my third go round at this baby birthing stuff.

Having a midwife deliver you is so much more relaxing than having a Dr deliver you. At least at this hospital the midwives were all so darn happy and sweet and laid back.

I am such a nervous talker that there is a whole hospital staff with my life story now burning their ears.

Apparently not many people tweet up until they are ready to push.

My epidural was so awesome that I was able to tweet right up until I was able to start pushing.

My epidural was so strong I kept pushing in my face and it was pissing me the hell off.

One of my baby's ears was folded up like a little flower, I had to unroll it to find it

Usually the night nurses are the nicest, that was not the case for me when I was in my permanent room. She told me that babies shouldn't hiccup.

I mentioned my blogger friends to the L&D nurse and even told the story of Samsmama laughing at her grandma's funeral to the L&D nurse.

I didn't tear at all and haven't used my peri bottle since the hospital. The mesh undies weren't that important to me this time either.

This is going to cause me to have a fourth.

Olivia Grace

2009-04-18T15:27:00.001-07:00

Wednesday night I was in bed with Dave and Hannah trying to sleep. Hannah was clinging to me like the sick little monkey that she is. I just got up and peed at 11:30 and was drifting off when I felt a gush. I went back to the bathroom and my pants were pretty wet. I put on undies and a pad and went back to bed. I laid down for maybe a minute when I had another gush so I decided to call L&D;. The nurse suggested I come in and I told her that I wasn’t contracting and could I wait until morning. She said that since I wasn’t sure that my water had broke that should be fine. I was thanking her and stood up and suddenly there was a huge puddle underneath me. That was at midnight. I told her that and she said that if it for sure broke get in. So I called my sister and she came and we were off. Ok it too her an hour and a half to get here then we were off. That was about 2:40 am.

We get to the hospital at 3:30 and I was sent to triage, I was in there for a good half hour got checked I was at 2, so they sent me to a room and decided we would start pitocin. By the time I was admitted and settled and they go the pitocin started it was after 7. I called my mom and let her know cause I didn’t want her to miss the birth and I knew it wouldn’t take long. I started having yuck contractions fairly quick so I told them as soon as my mom got there I would like the epidural. I got that by 9:20 and was happy. My mom and I were talking and I asked the nurse how we know when its time cause they said they wont check till its time. They said that when I felt pressure let them know and they would check me. I told them at 11 I thought that maybe I felt pressure or maybe it was the cath. They checked and her head was fully engaged and I was at 6. They started to set up the room but decided to check at 11:20 and I was 9.5. They got the room set up and her heart rate started to decel so they wouldn’t let me push until they got it stable.

They got it good and I started pushing at about 12. I couldn’t push right cause I couldn’t feel I kept pushing in my face so I asked them to turn down the epidural and then it was set. I gave a good three pushes once I could feel and she was out and BEAUTIFUL. Honesty. They put her on me and my mom took 300 pictures. She came out at 12:25 pm 9 pounds 6 ounces and 20 inches long. There was no tearing and the most painful part was that they turned the epi off then made me deliver the placenta. When that came out I think I was in heaven. I didn’t need an ice pack even.

When we got home with her Drew was more into her then Hannah has been. He has been holding her and petting her and kissing on her. Its so sweet.

If you want to see all the pictures give me your e-mail and I will invite you to my Flickr, if I know you that is, if you haven't commented before today sorry.

Home, Sleepy, Surrounded

2009-04-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

Some pictures to hold ya'll over until I feel like posting the birth story.

What I Did Today

2009-04-15T19:42:00.000-07:00

Instead of being induced I got to spend my day surrounded by sick children. I failed to mention yesterday that Drew was suffering from a double ear infection as well as swollen tonsils. Murphys don't fuck around with sickness, go big or go home, thats our motto. So I knew I was in for that when I woke up, however for a kid with a double ei he is surprisingly happy. You see the picture of him on that swing, he had the ei then it was just undiagnosed. However yesterday he came down with a fever and so I took him in when I went in.

Today however I had to run a giant jug of urine to the lab after picking Hannah up from school. The lab being a good hour away from where I live. Yay for the boonies. So being that I had to drive an hour away I was feeling crabby and not in the mood for what was in store for me. See, as I pull up to pick Hannah up she is sobbing and a teacher is coming up to talk to me. NOOOOO. The teacher says that Hannah is complaining that her elbow hurts and they don't know what happened to it. Okay. I'll be honest I figure she is faking at this point. However she cried the entire hour drive to the lab, so I make her a Dr's appointment.

Boy, was I not prepared for the histrionics that were coming. We had to park in a garage at the lab, on what was called the 5th floor, but I am thinking was more of a 3rd, I don't understand parking structures. Anyways she started screaming about it being to high. I got her to the elevator and down to the main floor and to the lab without too much fuss, although she was whimpering the entire time. The walk back however was hell. I took a different easier for me path to the garage that had us about 1 floor up. She flipped her shit right out. Drew tried to look over the edge and she tackled him screaming "I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE DOOBIE" wow really Hannah?

We got to the car and suddenly she says that she is better and doesn't need the Dr. Um yeah you do sugar. We get there and she is actually good until they had to do X-rays and I couldn't be in the room with her. DAMN YOU PREGNANCY. So she is over all this. The Dr pronounces her feverish but fine and sent us home. This is when the trouble began. Thats right, up till this point was a flipping cake walk.

We got 20 minutes from home and she woke up from a dead sleep screaming "Help me Mommy I can't move my head" from there she was screaming that she couldn't feel her legs, her feet were bleeding and she was in "SO MUCH PAIN" She cried and screamed the entire rest of the way home and a good 15 to 20 minutes after we got home. She was good for a while then barfed. Yay for that and she is now currently asleep but whimpering beside me. I have to tell you getting a needle stuck in my spine and pushing a 10 pound child out of my vagina sounds so much better then what I am doing right now. I am worried about Hannah since I have never seen her like this. Pray for her ya'll

Today's Appointment Update

2009-04-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

I am going to make this short since...well I want to so there.

I am still pregnant. I am not currently at a hospital with cytotec in my hoo haa or a pitocin drip in my arm. My water is intact, my mucous plug is not (sorry boys) I have Pre-E my ankles are no where to be found and there is a possibility that I could be called in to be induced today or tomorrow. There is just as large a possibility that I wont be called in to be induced. See how I am optimistic? I will try to post a belly shot later today

Some Easter Pics

2009-04-13T19:56:00.000-07:00

What a happy boy on the swing, this killed me to watch cause I have painful memories of smacking into the wall full speed on it.

What Easter egg Mommy? Seriously my kids so cannot find things right in front of their face
The one decent picture I got of Hannah.

The Dreaded False L&D Trip

2009-04-13T07:16:00.001-07:00

Thats right, last night we made a trip to labor and delivery only to be turned back. In all honesty I knew nothing would come of it, but it was a for safety sake type trip. You see, I decided to check my blood pressure at Wal-mart. I have been swelling and could tell that it was up, I just wanted to see how much. SURPRISE it was 150/93 Thats high. I sorta forgot about it though in the festivities of the day. That is until suddenly my shoes were tight to the point of painful. I took them off and examined the damage. I no longer had ankles and my feet looked deformed.

I kinda just ignored it, although complaining about it loudly, cause DAMN that shit hurts. When we got home though I called L&D to be safe, I mean I can be pretty laid back about the pregnancy rules but I do worry about killing the baby. I told them what was going on and that I had no other symptoms of Pre-E expecting them to say ok if it gets worse call back, but instead they had us come in. Shit. I was so tired from a whole day at my moms this was the last thing I wanted, I asked if it could wait till morning and the woman on the phone scoffed at me. Audibly scoffed lol.

To make a long story shorter it went like this: Went in, BP was practically normal, no higher the 140, they were unconcerned about my lack of ankles however I was given some really positive news that I am dilating and starting to efface. Maybe this will be the catalyst I need tomorrow to get the Dr to induce.

Also the Dr that saw me at L&D looked like the Asian dr that ends up delivering the girl in Knocked Up. I kid you not.

I Love You Harmony

2009-04-12T07:09:00.001-07:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Why Kids Rock

2009-04-11T22:05:00.000-07:00

Today we took a very rare trip to Outback Steakhouse for lunch. MMMM Potato Soup.....laaaaaaal sorry, where was I? Oh yeah we went out to lunch. While we were waiting for our delicious potato soup....mm nom nom nom sorry, blacked out again. Anyhow while we were waiting a woman a few tables down from us laughed and sounded quite hysterical. At which point I hear this from Hannah..."Mommy, was that a goose?" Oh how hard was it not to die laughing right there. The woman was dead on for a goose.

Also while we were there Drew leaned back a little to fast and totally cracked his head on their super hard wooden benches. I laughed pretty hard about that cause its so Murphy. Last time we went he reached up and grabbed hold of a light bulb. Kid is smart, just not street smart.

This Reminds Me

2009-04-10T21:09:00.001-07:00

Of when my parents would leave my oldest sister in charge. Inevitably one of my brothers would start acting like an ass and we would end up trying to cover for it at the last second. I am sure they ended up tied up or locked in a closet at least once

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

All About Doobie

2009-04-10T08:16:00.000-07:00

Doobie, Doobie, Dude. Lets start with the name shall we? Doobie's given name is Andrew, this was so that I could call him Drew my mom started calling him Doobie and from there it grew and now EVERYONE calls him Doobie. Even the kids in Hannah's class. I still call him Drew most of the time. He needs to know his real name.

Drew is the polar opposite of Hannah in temperament, or rather was until recently but seeing how he is three I don't think its abnormal for him to be a little bitchy. I didn't hear the little beast cry even till he was a few days old. Where as Drew was a super easy, loving baby he was and is always sick. In three years he has had, RSV, pneumonia, croup at least twice a year since he was born, a severe asthma like attack while on vacation, intussuseption and MRSA. That is just the serious stuff he also suffers from slight eczema. I think we should have named him Poindexter.

Drew is a smart little guy and has a very advanced vocabulary that he uses to embarrass me in public with his vast knowledge of swear words. Don't know where he learns them..not me, nope nope nope. I am really proud of his vocabulary (the clean part) and I brag way to much about it. Its just nice to know my kids are smart lol.

Tractors, trucks and anything with wheels is the kids passion. He can sit for hours and watch videos that teach him about vehicles. Although cars and motorcycles don't really toot his horn, getting to sit in Harmony's tractor was the highlight of his life. He still wonders when he gets to drive it.

Another way he is Hannah's opposite is that the kid loves food. One of his favorite treats is peas and carrots. Seriously, freak.

Thats about it on the kids for now. I will post about Livie when she gets here. Can't wait to see who the hell she is.

About My Kids

2009-04-09T09:55:00.000-07:00

I know I have posted about them before, but what the hell, its my blog, I don't have anything else to blog about and nobody will talk to me on the phone cause I keep coughing in their ears. So.....

About Hannah.

Hannah is a Gemini and her birth sign fits her to a T. She is clearly two people. The Hannah that you love to have around, funny, sweet, silly adorable and then she is the Hannah that makes me want to buy stock in prozac cause holy lord is that child going to need it. She can cry at the drop of a hat and over the stupidest things. Tease her about her hair being messy that a crying, ask her to eat a sandwich, good lord don't do that.

That brings us to our next point. Eating. The kid lives off NOTHING. That isn't true, we supplement her with Pediasure and she has started eating peanut butter sandwiches for lunch at school cause her teacher wont let her have her Yoohoo until she does. She will of course eat sweets and snacks like cereal and chips but I try not to keep those around to force her to eat what we refer to as real food. She is often heard wailing "I DON'T WANT TO EAT SOMETHING REAL"

She bleeds paper. She is an artist, which probably explains her temperament. She has been drawing actual pictures since before she could really talk. I am not talking actual art but she has been drawing stick people since about 2. You can see some of her art here and here and of course here. However all this art tends to litter my entire house. I stopped buying her drawing paper a while back and decided I would just buy lined paper because she can take out a pad of drawing paper in an hour. While we try to encourage it, who can support a drawing pad a day habit? I would rather spend that on Starbucks.

Speaking of Starbucks, she loves it. Thats my girl. Although the first time she asked her dad for a frappuccino the gig was up and her dad knew just how often we were going. I think she was 18 months old. Whoops.

She had a rather disturbing poop fixation when she was younger. It had followed through the years although at least now she doesn't play in it. She still poops like a bear on fiber. The result is I have cleaned up more poop then a person working at a nursing home. There are still questionable spots on the walls. I tell people its pudding.

Tune in tomorrow for all about Doobie.

Recovered Memory

2009-04-08T11:07:00.000-07:00

Two posts in one day. Talk about blowing my load for the week, and speaking of blowing loads. After my post the other day where I inadvertently bragged about my tongue strength to my OB, no doubt giving him nightmares of whales trying to give him a BJ I remembered another humorous proposition although this time it wasn't me doing the propositioning.

This was about 6 years ago. I was pregnant (surprise) with Hannah and still working. Me and my two favorite lunch buddies lets call them Joey and Lisa went to Applebee's for lunch. Joey's sexuality was questionable, I always assumed he was gay as did everyone else that ever met him but he wasn't officially out of the closet or anything. It wouldn't have mattered either way, but it is somewhat relevant to this story. Over the weeks we had developed a pattern of stopping by 7-11 after lunch for a Slurpee and some beef jerky. Yes I was the only pregnant one of the group but the other two ate like they were as well.

As we were discussing our after lunch stop either Lisa or I said it would be great if they made a beef jerky slurpee. To which we all three collapsed into a fit of laughter at how gross that was. Enter our very obviously gay waiter. Joey feeling guilty thinking the waiter might think we were laughing at him asks, "How does a beef jerky slurpee sound to you?" The waiter didn't reply and walked away, Lisa and I were gasping for air at this point hardly able to breath I choked out...."You just offered to suck his dick Joey" I thought that he was going to die. However the best part was at the end of the meal, we got our checks. Mine and Lisa's had a simple, "Have a nice day" written on them. Joey's had "Come back and see us real soon"

About Me

2009-04-08T10:08:00.000-07:00

I can't think of anything really to post but I feel like talking, so I thought that I would share some random facts about me that may or may not surprise you.

1. I am super patriotic. I may not wear shirts like this, but I have a deep love of this country. I don't judge by the current administration and feel like it is our duty to question our leadership but nothing changes the pride I feel when I look at our flag or hear this.

2. I fear beans. I honestly can barely stomach being in the same room with someone eating them. I was fed some chili at a chili cook off when I was three that blistered my mouth, I haven't willingly eaten them since. I was force fed them once by my evil step mother but I promptly barfed them up.

3. I have more irrational fears then Monk.

4. Even though I complain about being a stay at home mom, in my heart I know that if all I have accomplished at the end of my life is creating 3 beautiful people, I wont look back and be disappointed with my life.

5. I didn't believe in soul mates until I met Dave, although I told people I did. I try not to be too terribly mushy about him and I complain but I thank my lucky stars everyday that I have him.

6. I am not the mom I wish I were.

7. Sometimes I forget that I am a fatso.

8. I love Chinese food

9. I am a Starbucks addict

10. I love getting comments on my blog but hate leaving them cause I feel like my humor falls flat most of the time.

Yet Another Dr Appointment

2009-04-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

Today however it was for a sinus infection. My adorable Dr greets me with a solid "Wow you sound like crap" Then proceeds to tell me that I should really consider having this baby soon. Thanks dude. As we were doing the usual take a deep breath, stick out your tongue and say ahhhh thing I managed to embarrass myself in front of a person that has been elbow deep in my hoo hoo. He sticks the tongue depressor on my tongue and tells me to say ahhh, then says wow you have a really strong tongue. To which I reply "So I've been told" He looked at me all like, what do I say to that like and I realize what the hell that sounded like. So I sputter out "The dentist, the dentist is always saying that my tongue is strong and fights to hard when she is working on my teeth. The Dr was clearly amused and I wanted to die.

So that is my day. Baby is still holding tight, if you have any ideas on how to get her the hell out ORRRR have some pitocin to spare let me know.

What a Mindfuck

2009-04-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

So sometime yesterday it occurred to me that we are going to have a baby. I think it was when Dave actually spoke of the baby by name instead of calling her a soul sucking minion of Satan. (Kidding he usually just calls her that thing) Hannah asked if he loved her and he said, yes I love you and Mommy and Doobie and Olivia. My heart exploded. It was all I could do not to scream SQUEEEEE and run around the side of the bed and hug him.

However it did make it really really real. Its hard to believe that in a few weeks I will have three babies instead of two and I will have TWO daughters. Right now it feels like, how is this little one going to fit into our already crowded home. Who will she be, what will she look like. Then in a month I am going to be asking myself, how did I ever live without this little person. Just like when I met Dave and Hannah and Drew I will know that a missing piece of my heart has come home.

I am not sure what the future holds after Olivia. Dave wants an even number of kids. I want my body back. However I also know that chubby knees are more addictive then the finest heroin so give me a year or two and I may be hurting for someone else. Either way I find the whole pregnancy/child birth a total mind fuck. Its an amazing one though.